Searching For "New Normal"

I had all the best intentions to keep the blog up with the details of our pregnancy, but the truth is I have been too heart broken. It's hard to be focused on the details when the one detail that matters isn't here - Tim. Nothing about this pregnancy has been how I envisioned it because I don't have my best friend and biggest encourager by my side to share every detail with.

I was looking forward to Tim finishing his chemo and starting to feel better about now. I thought he'd be back to his overly energetic self bopping through the house before the babies came. I thought we would paint together, assemble furniture together. I wanted to hear if he would talk to them in the same voice he used to talk to the dog.

Yesterday I cried because I realized I'll never see their names written in his handwriting. There are so many larger pieces to our puzzle of loss, but for some reason that really got me in that moment. It's the littlest things that can push me into a crying jag. Mostly it's the loss of getting to experience parenting together that makes me sad. It's the babies missing having the best daddy imaginable that makes me sad. Just not having my best friend to talk to about every detail of our life makes me sad. I am living the life we wanted, but I'm all alone and it sucks more than you can imagine.

I will try to blog more and talk about our pregnancy more. I wanted this as a record for us to look back on and for the kids to see one day.

I guess here I am, once again, searching for "new normal" and remembering why I hate that term so much. "New normal" is never something that you have to find because something great has happened. It's like trying to get your footing an a boat in the midst of a storm on a choppy sea.

Every day is filled with the incredible loss, but every day I focus on accomplishing small tasks, focus on the babies and focus on just maintaining some amount of normalcy that Tim would appreciate. I know what he would want me to be doing, and I'm trying so hard to do it - if sometimes through runny mascara and tears.