Stay Little

As I put the ice in my cup to go to bed tonight, something flashed through my mind....

I remember your little head fitting in my hand. Holding you, swaying you and shushing you for an hour to get you to fall asleep. Walking you down the hall to your room in my bare feet, taking small, smooth, even steps as not to wake you. Keeping my hands on you after laying you down, slowly lessening the pressure until I was able to back out of your room, afraid the sound of my feet on the carpet fibers would wake you. Nana following close behind, another baby in her arms, duplicating my motions.

Then Nana and I would talk quietly in the dark, 3 rooms away. Making a plan for the night. We would get our water for bed, afraid the sound of the ice cubes in the cups would wake you, and sometimes they did. If it did, we would sigh and start over.

Now you are big. When I say it's time for bed, you run down the hall, your doll and stuffed dog in hand, arguing only about who gets to go first.

When it is time for you to go to your separate rooms, you need a kiss, a hug, another hug. "Night night, brother." "Love you."

You know, those late nights on the couch when I felt like I couldn't sway you anymore, this is what I dreamed of. The day you would be big enough to walk to your room, to wrap your arms around my neck and say, "I love you, Mommy".

Now I wish I could stop time. Snuggle you more. Laugh and splash more. Wash your hair and give you a scalp massage instead of rushing to get you in your jammies. I wish there was more chance to let you "help" in the kitchen. More time for you to tell me what is on your mind, even when it doesn't make sense to me as anything other than excited ramblings. More time to pick out the right book to read. More time with each of you individually.

As much as I love seeing you play together and work things out as a team, I cherish the fleeting moments I steal with you each when it's just you and me.

There's so much time to be big..... I wish you could just stay little.

Thankful 2013

I am thankful....

…for Ayla & Anson, who have brought me more joy and purpose that I ever imagined I could have.

…for Jason who has shown me love and patience.He works hard to heal my broken heart while respecting my past and becoming my future. A delicate balance. 

…for my family who has been so incredibly supportive.

…for health. Something we easily take for granted until we no longer have it.

…for my parents, who are the best Nana & Papa and who are gracious about giving me a much-needed break when I need it. Seeing them interact with A&A makes me so happy.

…for my Sisters By Choice. I am an only child who has chosen 5 sisters – those ladies who have loved me at my best and my worst, for whom I would do anything. They are my family.

…for my love of cooking. It makes me feel good to feed people, and I am grateful to have people to feed.

…for Tim for helping to make me who I am and for giving me the greatest gifts of love and children.

…for our home, not just because I love it for keeping us warm and safe, but because we have some wonderful neighbors and the surrounding community is a place I am happy to be raising the kids.

…for Jason’s boys for opening up to me and giving me a chance. They brighten up my days.

…for the opportunity to be at home with A&A as much as possible right now during their formative years.

…for friends who mean so much to me, especially the ones who go out of their way to make an effort to continue communication even though I’ve dropped off the digital map.

…for memories and for photographs and video when those memories get fuzzy.

...for the members of Tim's family who respect me as a person, a mother and his wife.

…for technology and the inspiration, hope, communication and convenience it provides.

…for my Moms of Twins group, and the new friends it has brought into our lives.

…for Kaiser who is a fabulous “fuzzy brother” and who makes me feel very safe.

…for new experiences to broaden my horizons.

…for a healthy body and the ability to make it even healthier and stronger.

…for Mars who was the best kitty I have ever had. We had a great 12 years together.

…for the chance to sit on 2 boards for 2 organizations I believe in with all my heart. They allow me to make a difference.

...for the kindness of strangers. 

Wishing you and yours a wonderful Thanksgiving. Remember: "The things you take for granted, someone else is preying for." Give thanks, today and always. 

My Little People

"Anson, can Mommy have a hug?"
"No."
"A kissy?"
"No."
"Ayla, can I have a kissy?"
"Hahaha... Nooo."

I think this is a sign that we are approaching 2. Is 2 really going to be "terrible"? Trying, maybe, but I can't imagine anything being terrible with these kids. A&A are growing and learning so much about the world around them. Learning to recognize their wants and needs, knowing what they do and do not want to do in any given moment in time.

"Do you want to go night night?"
"No."

Five minutes later.... "Mama, night night? Up."

At the table..... "Take a bite, you'll like it!"
"Mmmmm. Num num! More? Please?"
(Apparently they know how much I love when people compliment my cooking. That was one of my favorite things about Tim, he always complimented my cooking, especially in front of other people - bonus points!)

One of the things I am most enjoying is observing them learning to pretend. Every time they have the opportunity to play in a pretend kitchen, they love it. They pretend to cook and eat and put away dishes. (Santa is taking notes about this interest.) They have a small stroller at home and enjoy putting a "baby" in it and pushing it around, pausing to tend to the baby, giving her kisses and carrying her intermittently.

When we venture out, they point out babies, excitedly announcing their presence, just in case the mommy hadn't noticed that little bundle in her cart. Their baby pictures hanging on the wall are also more noticed now and they call their own small selves "baby!".

Recently they watched their first movie. They have seen other things before, but never paid attention like they did when I put on the Lion King. They both stopped and stared, standing in awe of the TV for some time before finally both climbing up on the couch with me to watch the entire film. I couldn't believe they would watch a whole movie like that, but they loved seeing the animals and naming them. (Although there were a LOT of "doggies" in their opinions.) Animals are of special interest now.

I was writing down on a calendar each time one of them learned a new word. Now the new words are flying out so fast I can't keep track. Anson even told me, "Mommy, come here" the other day. They tell each other "No, stop!" pretty frequently - I guess that's probably par for the course with twins.

I'm constantly amazed with the things they know, the things they are learning. No longer babies, I am impressed with the the amazing little people they are.

Oh, Happy Day.

Yesterday was a very special day that was met with much anticipation.

Tim's daughter Brittany was married. I am still wrapping my mind around it. I guess to me, she is still partly that 15 year old girl I was so terrified to meet 7 years ago. Just like to her parents, she must be partially the little girl they walked to her first day of Kindergarten or that baby they rocked on sleepless nights. There is something about watching someone grow up that freezes them in your memory, I think.

Truthfully, I ran through every possible scenario in my head leading up to the day, knowing it was going to be a joyful day, but knowing that, more than any other day I can think of, Tim's earthly absence was going to be felt. I knew there was no avoiding that - it just came with the territory.

Of course, Tim was on my mind, but having Ayla & Anson there for the ceremony was a great distraction. Thankful for helpful friends and family or they would have both been running wild. Apparently the exchanging of wedding vows is not great entertainment for toddlers. Who knew??

Brittany and Zac looked wonderful and so in love - it was such an honor to witness their commitment to one another.

My parents put on their "Nana" & "Papa" hats and picked up A&A so that I could enjoy the reception and they could enjoy some toddler time.

Sitting with Tim's family at the reception, there was quite literally an empty place at our table. A seat all set with plates and silverware and glasses missing only one thing - Tim. I don't know if that was intentional or just how it happened.

Their introduction, their first dance. Brittany's bouquet with Tim's badge shining from the ribbons wrapped around her flowers - the symbolism quiet, but the reminder loud - that Tim was there. Toasts were made. Tim's Dad talked about how Tim felt Zac was a good guy. (He did, indeed. He said to me on several occasions, "What do you think of Zac?" When I told him that I liked him he would always say, "Yea, seems like a good guy.")

Still, there was an elephant in the room as we all knew that at most weddings, the "Father Daughter Dance" would happen next. Brittany's stepdad broke the silence in the classiest way, addressing who we were all thinking of. Brittany chose to dance with several important men in her life - her stepdad, both grandpas and her uncle, Tim's brother. It was perfect.

As "Over The Rainbow" faded into "What A Wonderful World", I couldn't help but think of how the lyrics reminded me of Tim's favorite brand, "Life Is Good". That is something he truly believed all the way to his core: life is good.

I know Tim would have given anything to be there walking her down the aisle and to dance to Tim McGraw like she had always envisioned. But it was a beautiful day. And somewhere over the rainbow, Tim is proud of his little girl - his beautiful, grown up little girl who is now Mrs. Walker.

Lightning Striking Twice?

"Lightning never strikes twice."

That quote was in my mind after Tim died a lot. I mean, I never imagined that I would love a man as amazing as Tim. He was so good to me, truly teaching me the meaning of "how you deserve to be treated". I'm not just one of those widows who makes their late husband into a perfect person after he is gone - ask anyone who knew him - he was pretty close to perfect. He would deny being perfect, instead telling me that, "I'm just perfect for you."

So when Tim was gone, I pretty much convinced myself that I'd had the last of the Good Men out there and that I was destined to be alone or at best, with someone mediocre. And you know what, I was okay with that because I knew I'd had the best already. To expect, or even hope, for that to happen twice would be just plain greedy.

How did it happen, then, that instead I met someone wonderful? Was he a gift? A gift from Tim? A birthday gift from Tim? He always did love giving a good gift. Who knows. But he loves me. He looks out for A&A. He loves them, hugs them, helps them, sits in time out with them, builds them a new bed because they learn to climb out of the old one, reaches back to hold their hand in the car if they are crying. He listens to me, actually hears what I say, holds me when I cry, supports me, asks me questions about my past, my present and my dreams. He accepts me and doesn't think of my "baggage" as being "baggage" at all.

He is different from Tim in many ways, but he is exactly what I need right now. What we need.

Maybe lightning does strike twice.

August

Oh, August. Here we are again. You know I hate you. You fill me with dread and cause memories of all of the "lasts" to come flooding back with your heat and your monsoons and your long, golden sunsets. It is as if I am just waiting for you to pass, but I would never wish away time because I know how precious it is.

Truth be told, I even hated that the expiration date on my debit card was this month. I hated having to write it. I hated that my husband expired before my debit card. I hate when people use the word "expired" when referring to a person.

I wonder will there ever be a day when August doesn't fill me with dread? With the 27th of any month come and go unnoticed instead of it marking another month passed since I have seen him, kissed him, held him, talked to him?

A&A are 18 months old right now. Every accomplishment they have had, every step they have taken, every sight they have seen he has not been here to hold their hands through it. To them, Daddy is a photograph. They couldn't identify him across a room by how he walks or his laugh. They don't know what it feels like to be comforted by their Daddy when they get hurt. I still remember what it feels like to be comforted by my dad and I am 33. They will never get that.

At least I still have the memories. I remember our kisses like they happened yesterday - the first kiss and the last kiss. Last week I came out of a meeting and as I was walking to my car, I reached into my purse and pulled out my cell phone to call him. I guess that is just how my mind works. 5 years of telling him everything, of having a best friend who was also my perfect partner - part of me will never be able to let him go.

Now I just have to make it through another August without cracking.

Mama! Mommy! Mom!

It seemed like I waited forever for them to start using my name. Well, to call me something anyway. They learned to say "mama" pretty early, but it was more babble than anything else.

Now, they say it and they mean it.

"Mama! Mama!" says Anson.

"Mommy!" says Ayla.

Of course they call me different things - they couldn't be more different.

Some days they like to mix it up and call me "Mummy" as though they were little British kids. There are so many cute words that British kids use. The problem is that it is so un-cute when they become adults. I guess I'll need to break them of this habit before they hit puberty.

Saying my name doesn't necessarily mean they want or need ME. Actually, I think the literal translation is, "Hey, you, adult there.... I need something and you should get it for me."

Some day it will be "Motherrrrr" accompanied by an eye roll (that I'm pretty sure I invented as a teenager). They may settle into just "Mom" when they are older. Right now "Mommy" and "Mama" are the sweetest words.

Separation Anxiety

When Ayla & Anson were born, part of me was sad because I had caused them to be separated. All they had even known was to be warm and snuggled up together, and yet here they were, out in the big, crewel world and SEPARATED. 

When we got home from the hospital, they slept in a rocking cradle in my room together. It was right next to my bed so that I could reach my fingers in and pat them as they fell asleep. I could reach over and scoop them up when they cried in the night.

Soon they grew too big to both fit in the cradle. It was time for them to move into their own room. The trouble was it was on the other side of the house. I took comfort in going in and looking at them still nestled into one crib, still having each other, even if their Mommy was practically in a different zipcode.





Eventually, history repeated itself and they became too big to share a crib. They were sleeping restlessly and kicking one another. Putting them into 2 cribs did not break my heart too much because they are right next to each other and they enjoyed the freedom to roll around in their own space while still keeping an eye on the other. The great joy of my mornings was waking up to the sounds of them talking to each other and practicing their words together, throwing blankets and toys overboard and laughing together.

Now, the time has come for them to go into their own rooms. I always knew that I wanted this step to happen before I started getting "gender questions" and I thought that, like most things, I would "just know" when the time was right. Well, that time is now. There are important transitions afoot - Anson is still taking a binky at night and I would like him to stop, but it seems unfair to subject Ayla to his crying. Ayla is showing curiosity about the potty. With potty training comes the realization that she and brother are plumbed differently. It's just time.

The thought of my little loves being this grown up chokes me up.

Single Mom

When I was pregnant, I wanted to take a child-birth class before I had the babies. I looked into it. It was the first time I had to deal with being a "single mom".

I didn't want to go sit in a class full of mommies and daddies happily expecting their little bundles of joy, looking into each other's eyes twinkling with excitement and hope for the future. In fact for many months, couples made me very uncomfortable. Even couples I love very much.

Instead I was offered to go to the single mom's child-birthing class.

But I didn't fit in there either.

Instead I skipped it all together and counted on my mom and my friend Shannon to get me through labor. They did fine, I made it through, and after 26 hours I ended up with a c-section anyway, so it really didn't matter.

The point is: I am not a "single parent". I mean, I am, but I am widowed, which is different. Drastically different.

I know that there are a million scenarios when it comes to parenting, and some of what I am about to say might not be entirely fair, but I'm going to say it anyway.

In a typical divorced, single parent set-up there are a few things that happen:

You, your husband or both of you made a decision to end your marriage.
You fought over possessions and debt. You got the couch, he got the TV, you split the AmEx bill.
A "parenting time" plan was set in place, as was child support and alimony where applicable.
You argue with your former spouse about pick-up and drop-off times, general parenting decisions and even money matters. You think he/she is a jerk.
You realize that it's hard being a single parent when there is nobody to pick up the slack around the house or with the kids.
You struggle with guilt and end up getting relaxed on rules and maybe even trying to be the "favorite" parent by letting your kids get away with more then your former spouse.

When people tell me they know how hard it is to be a single parent, the little voice inside my head wants to scream. The only person who knows what it is like for me is another widowed parent.

I didn't make a decision to end my marriage - my husband was stollen from his family against his will.
I got everything. That means I got to keep the bed we used to sleep in, the couch we used to snuggle on and the dinner table we used to sit around. I also got the AmEx bill.
When Divorced Dad is coming by Wednesdays and every other weekend to take the kids, you may not like every decision he makes, but you are getting a break. You can have cereal for dinner, go out with your friends, work on a project - whatever you want. You are getting some time.

 I get time one of 2 ways - either I ask a favor of a friend or family member or I pay a babysitter. And they are making $10-14 and hour these days. Ouch. I shell out for a break once a week for 4 hours. And I earned those 4 hours. The other 164 hours a week, I am on-duty.

I can't tell you what I would give to be divorced from Tim. I saw how he was as a dad and as an ex-husband and it was pretty admirable. He got along with his ex-wife and was still able to be a phenomenal Dad to his daughter. I would love the opportunity to be divorced from him for the simple fact that it would mean A&A could still have him, even if I couldn't.

Yes, it is hard being a single parent. I get that. You know what sucks even worse? Not having an ex to complain about.

Happy Father's Day

It is hard to believe that it was just 2 short years ago at this time that we announced our pregnancy to our families with such excitement - the future gleaming in our eyes. The only time I ever saw Tim as excited as he was when he talked about "The Twins" was when he talked about Brittany. This was a man who was born to be a Dad. He had a proven track record as an incredible Dad and I was excited to parent with him.

For his first Father's Day with A&A, even though we had just learned they existed, I got him a little present to give him at the dinners with each of our families. One was coasters I had made him for his under-construction bar. They were hand stamped by me with a special "Barber" monogram. The other was a t-shirt, which he was especially proud of:

That t-shirt was one that choked my up when I recently folded up Tim's clothes and put them in boxes. It wasn't even the shirts, pants, underwear that upset me - it was the memories of him wearing those things and my decision to fold them and put them in the garage, essentially removing Tim from our closet. It was time. His scent had long ago faded from those clothes - even the last ones that he wore.

Last year on Father's Day, the kids and I were sitting at Tim's grave, uncertain of the future and completely devastated. I still celebrated the day because I am fortunate enough to still have my Dad, but I was just heartbroken that A&A don't have theirs.

I guess at least I can say that this year, things are moving in a better direction. I am moving in a forward direction, which I know Tim would appreciate. And the kids are growing up. They have known who Tim is since they were itty bitty. They have been able to identify him in photos since long before they could talk. Now, they recognize him even in photos during his chemo when he had no hair and they declare him "Dada" and "DeeDee". Ayla occasionally tell me "DeeDee" is in places other than pictures, which brings me joy because A) I believe that he is with us and B) Tim wasn't sure what he believed as far as life after death, so this means I was right, even if he can't verbally tell me so.

Certainly Anson & Ayla do not know WHAT a "Daddy" is, but they know WHO their Daddy is.

And, again, we will spend this Father's Day visiting Tim at the cemetery, where they will point to the picture on his headstone when I ask, "Where's Daddy?"

This year, my goal is to build a place where A&A can go to learn "Who is Daddy?" They will get to know him from every perspective. This will be my Father's Day gift to the best Dad our kids never got to know. I hope to have a lot of help and contributions in making it everything it should be

It will be called http://www.knowingdaddy.com

7 Whole Months!

It is hard for me to believe that Ayla & Anson are now 7 months old. Time is moving quickly, yet I have little memory of what life was like before they arrived. Harder still is trying to reconcile our old life with this new life. It truly feels like 2 different lives to me.

The last month has brought a bevy of exciting changes and development.
 
Anson got his first and second tooth on the bottom and only 3 days apart. He was a trooper about it, fussing little.

Ayla finally caved and talked. She didn't say "Ahmama" as Anson did, instead she waited until she could say "Mom" plain as day. She has since started working on her "B" sounds.

Ayla is rolling and scooting all over the place. She can hold herself up on the edge of the couch if I help her to stand initially. Crawling seems eminent. Baby gates are gleaming in our near future.

Anson is becoming more mobility motivated as well. His rolling has improved and he can pivot on his tummy to change direction easily.  

A&A started swimming lessons and are loving their time in the pool practicing their little skills.

Ayla has begun giving "kisses". I use the term loosely because she actually just opens her mouth, grabs your face and slimes your cheek. Puckering is a skill to be learned in the future, apparently.

Both kids are sleeping more like little children instead of babies. When I lay them down, they roll all over the crib to find a comfortable position, sometimes on their sides or with their little butts in the air. It is too cute.

We took our first road trip to San Diego to visit with friends. I am proud to report that the trip was pretty mellow and without any major disasters aside from one little diaper blow out disaster on the way.

Ayla continues to be the mischievous one, always coveting her bother's toys or pacifier. She wall try to steal his binky even if hers is in her mouth. Pretty much any toy he has is more appealing than whatever she is playing with at the moment. Anson is pretty laid back and usually lets her have what she wants... except the binky. That is sacred.

They are both impressing me very much with their recognition of people and things. We look at pictures of Tim in our hallway daily and talk about "Where's Daddy?". Both kids will look at Tim when I ask. This month when we went to Tim's parent's house to visit, I carried them each over to their refrigerator, which is covered in photos, and asked, "Where's Daddy?". Ayla immediately looked at his picture, one they had never seen before,  and smiled. Anson leaned over and pointed and tapped Daddy's picture.

It is amazing to me what they know at such a young age.

Half Birthday

Happy (very belated) 6 months to my little loves. I am a naughty mommy for not getting this posted in a timely manner, but I think they are still young enough to forgive me.

I feel like there are little milestones every day and Anson & Ayla are becoming their own people more and more. Their personalities couldn't be more different, and that thrills me. Ayla is very outgoing and cheerful, but expects her wants, needs and desires to be met Right This Minute. She likes to be active and would rather roll and scoot all over the place as opposed to sit still to play with a toy. Anson is more laid back and enjoys figuring out how things work. He likes the toys on the bouncer more than bouncing and loves blocks and his xylophone.

This month Anson started the process of being fitted for a DOC Band. This is a medical device that looks like a helmet. It will help to reshape his head, which has some flattening from being cramped in the tummy with his sister and unable to move around the last few months of our pregnancy. In the next couple of weeks it will get a fun design courtesy of The Wrap Shoppe who designs them as a public service. Stay tuned for pictures when that arrives.

Although their spoken vocabularies are limited (Anson is the only one "talking" and his only word is "Mama" which he uses to beckon me.), they are recognizing certain words and commands:

Where's Kaiser? - Ayla especially will look around to find him when you mention his name. She acknowledges that she has a brother and that he is "okay", but she LOVES that dog. They are besties.

Two Hands - Both kids will hold their own bottles with 2 hands when you remind them. This is particularly helpful with Anson who likes to "wag" his bottle with his left hand only. (I think we have a little leftie on our hands!)

Up - Both kids will reach up to you to be picked up. If Ayla is in the bouncer, she will straighten her legs to "stand" for you to pick her up.

Can You Shake Hands? - Anson will reach out and flatten his right hand to shake hands. He prefers if he is told "it's very nice to meet you" in conjunction with this.

Where's Daddy? - Both kids will look at photos of Tim in the hallway if you pause and talk to them about him. This is both sweet and very sad to me, because I hate that they might think the pictures are called Daddy and not realize that he was a real man who loved them so much.

Bite - Ayla is loving trying all these new foods and will open for a bite. Anson, on the other hand, has not quite mastered the art of eating and really prefers not to have to eat real food. (I totally understood this when they were eating only cereal because that stuff is gross, but I have made them homemade foods of carrots, sweet potatoes, avocado and squash, all of which were pretty tasty!)

These kids are fortunate to have so many people in their lives who love them so much. I am fortunate to have people around me who realize that I need help sometimes. We are all making it through one day at a time.

5 Month Birthday

Wishing a happy 5 month birthday to my two amazing babies. For the last 10 months they have been my biggest support and the reason I wake up every morning to face the day. I wish more than anything that Tim were here with me to see the progress they are making and the little people they are becoming.

Ayla & Anson have had a lot of "milestones" in the last month.

Eating:
The kids started on cereal this month. We tried both rice cereal and baby oatmeal. Neither were a huge hit, and after tasting them both I think I can tell you why. Yuck! I am excited to get to start preparing them vegetables soon - then the food appreciation will begin.

Interaction:
Although Ayla has always been pretty interested in Anson, this month the love has become mutual. They will reach out to touch each other and roll to "play" together. When they see each other, their little faces light up and they even sit in their Bumbo chairs and "talk" to each other. This causes me to wonder about something I have heard of: Twinspeak, where twins develop their own language to communicate privately. I just hope they are saying nice things about their Mommy.

Laughing:
Both kids will get a kick out of certain words and cause them to giggle uncontrollably when I say them. For Ayla it has been "jeggings" and "flower". For Anson it was "Mama". They both have adorable laughs and when they get going you can't help but be laughing right along with them.

Talking:
Another surprise this month was that Anson decided to start saying "Mama". (It is usually more like "Ahmama".) With Ayla being more of a storyteller, I always thought she would utter a word before him, but Anson just had to prove me wrong. He says it pretty consistently now and has even learned that crying "Mama!" will get him attention quicker than a cry when he wakes up from a nap.

Swimming:
I took the kids to my parent's house for their first swim. At the suggestion of a friend, we tried out a special flotation device and both Anson & Ayla loved the water. Ayla liked how sparkly it was and was fascinated with looking at the ripples. Anson had a great time relaxing in his float and splashing. I want to get them to feel secure when I am with them in the water so that they will not be intimidated by swim lessons in the future. This is something very important to us living in Arizona where water is a pleasure and a danger that lurks in so many back yard pools.

Kaiser Turns 2!

On Saturday, Kaiser turned two marking a big milestone in his life and in our lives. We celebrated with a (lately infrequent) trip to the dog park and then to Petsmart for a new toy, some rawhide chews and the makings for a doggie birthday cupcake. 

Tim and I researched breeds, first dreaming of a chocolate lab before settling on the intelligence, protectiveness and appropriate energy of a German Shepherd. Kaiser was one of a little of 5 puppies born to a mother known only as Goldie - a blonde shepherd who was found wandering the desert of Southern Arizona while pregnant. A lady who raises Golden Retrievers took her in and cared for her and the pups until they could be placed for adoption through the Southern Arizona German Shepherd Rescue. 

Our interview process was intense. Phone interviews, aerial photos of our home and our neighborhood, discussions on training and discipline, lists of the closest dog amenities sent via email.... We adopted Kai 2 weeks before we moved into our new house. 

Kaiser is my first dog and little did we know at the time, the only shot Tim and I had at co-parenting. We took our responsibility very seriously and enrolled him in puppy classes and worked on manners, behavior and tricks with love and consistency. 

Over the last many months, Kai has become a big support for me and also my great protector. He is the perfect blend of protective and gentle, always knowing what is appropriate. He does not trust men that he doesn't know and is fiercely loyal to his family. He believes that A&A are "his" babies. 

We brought home blankets from the hospital to swaddle dolls so that he could learn their smells and begin to adjust before they came home. Kaiser was quick to fall in love when Ayla & Anson were born in January and now loves nothing more than having "tummy time" with them. He is a wonderful "fuzzy brother" and I am forever so proud of the dog he has become. 

Four Months

Two perfect babies with few similarities.

This month Anson surprised us by rolling front to back on Sunday night. (I know this is his way of further avoiding his nemesis: "Tummy Time".) Not to be outdone, Ayla followed suit the next morning. I am now on high alert all the time. 

Both of the kids have their moments of being outspoken and moments of shyness. They allow the other to "talk" and rarely "interrupt" one another. Ayla's voice is higher and very girly - Anson's is decidedly more masculine. Her hands are often open and graceful - his are usually balled up. Ayla poses for the camera while Anson clams up. I have to be pretty stealth to catch one of his incredibly big, warm smiles. He is a shameless flirt - she is a sparkly-eyed charmer.

Ayla has definitely discovered Anson this month. She rolls over to grab hold of him while they are playing and is fascinated by him. He is Mr. Laid Back (yea, that's clearly from his Daddy!) and just tolerates her constant pestering, not even complaining when she grabs onto his ears.

I am loving being their mom, hanging out with them, having adventures together. I talk to them and I make little voices for them with my interpretations of their responses. (What? I spend all day every day with babies - you knew that it would drive me to the edge of sanity at some point....) I like to think we have our own little inside jokes. I can make each of them laugh (well Anson chuckles and Ayla giggles) by kissing her belly or making faces at him.

I am their butt-wiper, their bottle bringer, their snot sucking, snuggler of a mom who plays, dances, comforts and cheers. The older they get, the more adoration I see in their eyes. They are understanding affection and will nuzzle their little heads into my neck and grab onto my shirt or my hair to try to pull me closer. I find the milestone I am most looking forward to is one that there is no place to write in their baby books - the intentional hug.

Ayla: Hmmm... what do we have here?
Anson: Nom nom nom....

Ayla: Hey, brother... you should totally let me chew on your arm.
Anson: What the...?

Anson: Knock it off.  I said no. 

Ayla: Oooh. I didn't know you were serious!
Anson: Nom nom nom....

Ayla: Pleeeeeease?
Anson: You're making me uncomfortable.

Anson: Look! There's Kaiser!
Ayla: Mmmm... tastes like chicken!

My Job

The best job I've ever had means that I am sometimes getting yelled at by two angry bosses simultaneously. I take a lot of "crap" and am driven to the "bottle" many times a day. The pay is lousy, but the benefits are immeasurable. I don't get any awards and the recognition I do receive is not a holiday bonus, but a smile, a laugh or an adoring look. The hours are long and I almost always have to work through lunch and even dinner. There are other people on my team, but they only work part-time, so I pull most of the weight myself.

I know on paper it doesn't sound very appealing, but it really is the best job in the world.

Looking at these faces there is no question that I was meant to work for them....

Hoping all you Moms had a wonderful Mother's Day.

Happy (Belated) 3 Months

This last month has been amazing and rewarding. Anson and Ayla are both babbling and telling me "stories" now. They each know their names and respond when I talk to them. No longer is it just me blindly caring for them - I am receiving appreciation in return.

We have had many exciting adventures. We drove to Camp Verde to visit Grandma & Papa and were also able to see Aunt Phyllis at the care home where she resides. We went to Flagstaff for the NAU Relay for Life which honored Tim and where I was grateful to be able to be the "Caregiver Speaker". Errands get easier as the kids are growing, but are time consuming due to all the people who love to look at them and chat with me about the joys of twins.

I am amazed at how masculine Anson is, and how feminine Ayla is, even at this young age. Their hands and feet are so different with his being thick and wide like Tim's and hers being longer and narrower like mine. Each has a distinctive voice and a unique little laugh. Anson consistently does Tim's chuckle while Ayla's laugh is a squeal of excitement.

Tim left me with the two things that are helping to heal my heart and every day with them is a blessing. 

First Easter Pictures

I do take a lot of pictures. You'll just have to trust me on that. However, I usually take photos of the kids individually and then sometimes I use a fancy app on my iphone to do a split screen effect so they are at least next to each other.

Trying to take a picture that is good of 2 infants in pretty near impossible.

To demonstrate, see the "together" pictures that I took on Easter.

Anson: Mom, what are you doing??
Ayla: I'm going to eat my dress.

Anson: My eye itches.
Ayla: Hey, look, my underwear matches my dress, see?

Anson: Woah! 

Ayla: Oooooh. Gram is funny.

Anson: I'm pooping.
Ayla: Let's dance! Come on. It will be fun! Eeew... what's that smell?

Anson: Are we done yet? This is boring.
Ayla: Mom, he's touching me!

Anson: Is that a hangnail? Does that look like a hangnail to you? I think I have a hangnail.
Ayla: I need a manicure.




Now do you get why so many of our pictures look like this:

I figured you'd understand....

Developmental Delight

Ayla started smiling pretty early on - I would smile at her and she would smile back. I would dance around like an idiot and she would grin. I would talk to her and she would squeal. When I was taking pictures, she put on a show smiling, cooing and posing.

Anson, on the other hand, appeared to be a serious boy. He would smile when I changed his wet pants, but would usually have me dancing around making a fool of myself while he just stared in wide-eyed horror. I thought I was destined to be the "embarrassing parent". When I pulled out the camera, he would become uber serious. I just couldn't figure out what would amuse him.

Then suddenly, I'm getting THIS!

Count me a happy mama. I have 2 babies who grin, chuckle (Anson), squeal (Ayla), turn to listen to me when I talk and just visibly show their excitement with my general existence. What a feeling!!

Two Months: I Have Learned

To celebrate my sweet babies' two month birthday, I wanted to share some things I have learned:

• It really isn't that gross when it is your own child that poops, pees or pukes on you. 
• I am overflowing with a love I never understood until January 24th. 
• Baby mittens never stay on. Selling them is a conspiracy to steal money. 
• There's just something about baby feet, tummies and foreheads that begs to be kissed. 
• I can run 3 errands with 2 infants without an "incident". 
• Those photos of pregnant celebrities are definitely photoshopped. 
• There is a "parent's club" that you don't know about until you have a child - suddenly you are absolutely ecstatic for other friends who are expecting. You can't wait to share the joy. 
•  The people who say "never prop bottles" never had twins. 
• Just because a baby likes the swing / bouncer / rocking chair right now does not mean he or she will like it tomorrow. Adjust. 
• I can bathe them all by myself and they both amazingly like baths - even getting their hair rinsed. 
• Even when they are screaming themselves red in the face at 1am and you can't figure out the problem, they are still the greatest and cutest things around. 
• I can actually tell the difference between their cries: his and hers and each hungry, dirty pants or snuggle me cry. I never understood how parents did that before. I guess you learn when you meet your babies. 
• It is possible to have Tim present in all that we do - even little baby things like tummy time. 
• I can prepare and eat nearly anything with only one hand. 
• The house looks like a baby equipment store, but I'm learning to accept the inevitable clutter. 
• It's okay to have visitors hold the babies so I can do a few things around the house. It's even okay to leave the house alone once in a while. 
• I can hear a baby cry over the noise of the shower across the house. Babies think wet adults with shampoo in their hair are funny. 
• Being sick when you have little babies is the hardest thing I've ever done because I couldn't hold them, kiss them or care for them. 
• Babies don't mind puppy kisses. 
• One big smile is like a "thanks for wiping my butt all the time, Mom. I love you!" and makes it all worthwhile. Even the bit about getting pooped on.
  
• A burp cloth, when placed around the neck of a hungry baby, is not just a burp cloth. It is The Cape Of Hope and will stop crying immediately. 
• I love being a mom.