Stay Little

As I put the ice in my cup to go to bed tonight, something flashed through my mind....

I remember your little head fitting in my hand. Holding you, swaying you and shushing you for an hour to get you to fall asleep. Walking you down the hall to your room in my bare feet, taking small, smooth, even steps as not to wake you. Keeping my hands on you after laying you down, slowly lessening the pressure until I was able to back out of your room, afraid the sound of my feet on the carpet fibers would wake you. Nana following close behind, another baby in her arms, duplicating my motions.

Then Nana and I would talk quietly in the dark, 3 rooms away. Making a plan for the night. We would get our water for bed, afraid the sound of the ice cubes in the cups would wake you, and sometimes they did. If it did, we would sigh and start over.

Now you are big. When I say it's time for bed, you run down the hall, your doll and stuffed dog in hand, arguing only about who gets to go first.

When it is time for you to go to your separate rooms, you need a kiss, a hug, another hug. "Night night, brother." "Love you."

You know, those late nights on the couch when I felt like I couldn't sway you anymore, this is what I dreamed of. The day you would be big enough to walk to your room, to wrap your arms around my neck and say, "I love you, Mommy".

Now I wish I could stop time. Snuggle you more. Laugh and splash more. Wash your hair and give you a scalp massage instead of rushing to get you in your jammies. I wish there was more chance to let you "help" in the kitchen. More time for you to tell me what is on your mind, even when it doesn't make sense to me as anything other than excited ramblings. More time to pick out the right book to read. More time with each of you individually.

As much as I love seeing you play together and work things out as a team, I cherish the fleeting moments I steal with you each when it's just you and me.

There's so much time to be big..... I wish you could just stay little.