Re-Coupling: Congratulations, Chris

A widowed friend of mine became engaged this week. I could not be happier for him and his children as they begin this new adventure together. I know his late wife would have wanted a woman to come into their lives - not to replace her, but to bring those things a special lady brings to the family. As I have said before, it takes a special person to love the widowed, therefore, I know she must be special.

I also know how hard it can be to move forward when you feel the eyes of judgement upon you for it. He has chosen to live his journey of love and loss and grief very publicly, which has been incredibly brave in my eyes. He and his late wife have opened the eyes of many by sharing their story, and he continues to do so by sharing this part of his life openly.

He shared an article that I enjoyed and want to share as well. You see, it is not always easy for those around a widowed person to understand re-coupling, and this article addresses that in a straightforward way that is easy to understand.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/carole-brody-fleet/remarriage-after-widowhood_b_3545400.html

Thankful 2013

I am thankful....

…for Ayla & Anson, who have brought me more joy and purpose that I ever imagined I could have.

…for Jason who has shown me love and patience.He works hard to heal my broken heart while respecting my past and becoming my future. A delicate balance. 

…for my family who has been so incredibly supportive.

…for health. Something we easily take for granted until we no longer have it.

…for my parents, who are the best Nana & Papa and who are gracious about giving me a much-needed break when I need it. Seeing them interact with A&A makes me so happy.

…for my Sisters By Choice. I am an only child who has chosen 5 sisters – those ladies who have loved me at my best and my worst, for whom I would do anything. They are my family.

…for my love of cooking. It makes me feel good to feed people, and I am grateful to have people to feed.

…for Tim for helping to make me who I am and for giving me the greatest gifts of love and children.

…for our home, not just because I love it for keeping us warm and safe, but because we have some wonderful neighbors and the surrounding community is a place I am happy to be raising the kids.

…for Jason’s boys for opening up to me and giving me a chance. They brighten up my days.

…for the opportunity to be at home with A&A as much as possible right now during their formative years.

…for friends who mean so much to me, especially the ones who go out of their way to make an effort to continue communication even though I’ve dropped off the digital map.

…for memories and for photographs and video when those memories get fuzzy.

...for the members of Tim's family who respect me as a person, a mother and his wife.

…for technology and the inspiration, hope, communication and convenience it provides.

…for my Moms of Twins group, and the new friends it has brought into our lives.

…for Kaiser who is a fabulous “fuzzy brother” and who makes me feel very safe.

…for new experiences to broaden my horizons.

…for a healthy body and the ability to make it even healthier and stronger.

…for Mars who was the best kitty I have ever had. We had a great 12 years together.

…for the chance to sit on 2 boards for 2 organizations I believe in with all my heart. They allow me to make a difference.

...for the kindness of strangers. 

Wishing you and yours a wonderful Thanksgiving. Remember: "The things you take for granted, someone else is preying for." Give thanks, today and always. 

My Little People

"Anson, can Mommy have a hug?"
"No."
"A kissy?"
"No."
"Ayla, can I have a kissy?"
"Hahaha... Nooo."

I think this is a sign that we are approaching 2. Is 2 really going to be "terrible"? Trying, maybe, but I can't imagine anything being terrible with these kids. A&A are growing and learning so much about the world around them. Learning to recognize their wants and needs, knowing what they do and do not want to do in any given moment in time.

"Do you want to go night night?"
"No."

Five minutes later.... "Mama, night night? Up."

At the table..... "Take a bite, you'll like it!"
"Mmmmm. Num num! More? Please?"
(Apparently they know how much I love when people compliment my cooking. That was one of my favorite things about Tim, he always complimented my cooking, especially in front of other people - bonus points!)

One of the things I am most enjoying is observing them learning to pretend. Every time they have the opportunity to play in a pretend kitchen, they love it. They pretend to cook and eat and put away dishes. (Santa is taking notes about this interest.) They have a small stroller at home and enjoy putting a "baby" in it and pushing it around, pausing to tend to the baby, giving her kisses and carrying her intermittently.

When we venture out, they point out babies, excitedly announcing their presence, just in case the mommy hadn't noticed that little bundle in her cart. Their baby pictures hanging on the wall are also more noticed now and they call their own small selves "baby!".

Recently they watched their first movie. They have seen other things before, but never paid attention like they did when I put on the Lion King. They both stopped and stared, standing in awe of the TV for some time before finally both climbing up on the couch with me to watch the entire film. I couldn't believe they would watch a whole movie like that, but they loved seeing the animals and naming them. (Although there were a LOT of "doggies" in their opinions.) Animals are of special interest now.

I was writing down on a calendar each time one of them learned a new word. Now the new words are flying out so fast I can't keep track. Anson even told me, "Mommy, come here" the other day. They tell each other "No, stop!" pretty frequently - I guess that's probably par for the course with twins.

I'm constantly amazed with the things they know, the things they are learning. No longer babies, I am impressed with the the amazing little people they are.

Oh, Happy Day.

Yesterday was a very special day that was met with much anticipation.

Tim's daughter Brittany was married. I am still wrapping my mind around it. I guess to me, she is still partly that 15 year old girl I was so terrified to meet 7 years ago. Just like to her parents, she must be partially the little girl they walked to her first day of Kindergarten or that baby they rocked on sleepless nights. There is something about watching someone grow up that freezes them in your memory, I think.

Truthfully, I ran through every possible scenario in my head leading up to the day, knowing it was going to be a joyful day, but knowing that, more than any other day I can think of, Tim's earthly absence was going to be felt. I knew there was no avoiding that - it just came with the territory.

Of course, Tim was on my mind, but having Ayla & Anson there for the ceremony was a great distraction. Thankful for helpful friends and family or they would have both been running wild. Apparently the exchanging of wedding vows is not great entertainment for toddlers. Who knew??

Brittany and Zac looked wonderful and so in love - it was such an honor to witness their commitment to one another.

My parents put on their "Nana" & "Papa" hats and picked up A&A so that I could enjoy the reception and they could enjoy some toddler time.

Sitting with Tim's family at the reception, there was quite literally an empty place at our table. A seat all set with plates and silverware and glasses missing only one thing - Tim. I don't know if that was intentional or just how it happened.

Their introduction, their first dance. Brittany's bouquet with Tim's badge shining from the ribbons wrapped around her flowers - the symbolism quiet, but the reminder loud - that Tim was there. Toasts were made. Tim's Dad talked about how Tim felt Zac was a good guy. (He did, indeed. He said to me on several occasions, "What do you think of Zac?" When I told him that I liked him he would always say, "Yea, seems like a good guy.")

Still, there was an elephant in the room as we all knew that at most weddings, the "Father Daughter Dance" would happen next. Brittany's stepdad broke the silence in the classiest way, addressing who we were all thinking of. Brittany chose to dance with several important men in her life - her stepdad, both grandpas and her uncle, Tim's brother. It was perfect.

As "Over The Rainbow" faded into "What A Wonderful World", I couldn't help but think of how the lyrics reminded me of Tim's favorite brand, "Life Is Good". That is something he truly believed all the way to his core: life is good.

I know Tim would have given anything to be there walking her down the aisle and to dance to Tim McGraw like she had always envisioned. But it was a beautiful day. And somewhere over the rainbow, Tim is proud of his little girl - his beautiful, grown up little girl who is now Mrs. Walker.

Desk Project

I have started to think about what will happen when I split the kids' rooms. Right now we have an office and a guest room. I knew I would have to forego one of these well-used rooms, and the idea of moving the computer and filing cabinet and the like into our master bedroom did not appeal to me in the least. I don't like electronics of any kind in there: no TV, no computer, no distractions. We had thought those days of blinking computer lights in the night were behind us when we moved from my tiny townhouse.

A little bit of reading Real Simple magazine (my guilty pleasure) and looking at Pinterest.com got the wheel in my mind turning. This was one of my many "Inspiration" photos:

I decided to move the guest room into what is now the office and convert the closet in that room into my office. The closet in there is nothing special - just your builder-grade sliding door closet.

We had many of the elements that I would be using on hand, but they would need a little face-lift. Thankfully my parents owned a hardware store when I was little, so I am pretty fearless about tackling little projects. I am also far too cheap to buy new things when I think I can re-use, re-finish or re-purpose what I already have. (This was one of Tim's favorite things about me.)

6 cans of spray paint, one gallon of turquoise paint and many busy nap times while the babies were sleeping later, I am pleased with the result.

I still need to paint the rest of the room and move the guest room in here. There will be white curtains on the windows and matching curtains that can be closed to hide the "office" from guests, but I feel a sense of satisfaction that I have gotten it this far.

The payoff is that Ayla & Anson will each have their own room when the time is right, and Ayla will even have a little walk-in closet - every girl's dream, right?

Every time I accomplish something, every time I do something Tim would be proud of me for, I can hear him saying, "That looks great, babe! You're awesome. I love you." It makes me feel a little more like myself again.

Developmental Delight

Ayla started smiling pretty early on - I would smile at her and she would smile back. I would dance around like an idiot and she would grin. I would talk to her and she would squeal. When I was taking pictures, she put on a show smiling, cooing and posing.

Anson, on the other hand, appeared to be a serious boy. He would smile when I changed his wet pants, but would usually have me dancing around making a fool of myself while he just stared in wide-eyed horror. I thought I was destined to be the "embarrassing parent". When I pulled out the camera, he would become uber serious. I just couldn't figure out what would amuse him.

Then suddenly, I'm getting THIS!

Count me a happy mama. I have 2 babies who grin, chuckle (Anson), squeal (Ayla), turn to listen to me when I talk and just visibly show their excitement with my general existence. What a feeling!!

364 Un-Birthdays: A Birth Story (Part II)

...Continued from a previous post.
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I have had to take off my necklace which upsets me. I have worn Tim's wedding ring around my neck and have never removed it. I negotiate to be able to hold it the whole time. The chain is wrapped around my hand and his ring is around my finger.

They roll me the very short distance to the operating room. It is a lot smaller than I expected inside. They have 2 baby warmers waiting. I have already been cautioned about the number of people that will be in there, so I am not shocked. Had I not been warned, I probably would be - It seems like there are 14-16 people present. A surgical team, the anisthesiologist (Richard) and a team for each baby.

I am lifted on my sheet and placed on the operating table. It is a strange sensation because I can feel only some of my body. I suddenly realize my mom is not there but then a moment later she is on my left side holding my hand. She is wearing scrubs like the doctor. She looks cute - if only she didn't have a weak stomach maybe she would have been a doctor herself.

A blue paper drape is put up at about my chest level blocking my view so I can't see what is about to happen to my abdomen. Richard has connected me to more medicine that is running through my epidural. Someone is pinching me to make sure it is working. I don't feel a thing. They begin.

Suddenly I feel the cutting. It doesn't hurt, but I feel it and it scares me.
"Mom, talk to me. Talk to me!"
"What do you want to talk about?"
I couldn't answer - it would take too long. Instead I started singing the first thing that came to mind: Happy Birthday. Fitting, I suppose.

The doctor is pushing down on my stomach. Pressure. Then I feel pulling. A moment later, a cry. My first baby is held up above the drape for me to see a perfect, bloody, slimy little face. As they whisk the baby away, the nurse stops aside me so I can have another little look. Just like I wanted, my mom goes with the baby.

Suddenly, I realize that I didn't stop to think that her going with that babies means that I am alone.

I am crying. Crying because I have a beautiful baby, because I can't believe Tim isn't here with me, because my mom is not holding my hand and the pushing and tugging is starting again.

"Richard? Richard!"
Richard the anesthesiologist it looking down at me from under his big, bushy eyebrows.
"Richard, hold my hand!"

Poor Richard looks shocked like this is the first time this has happened to him. I'm okay with that because I'm not alone on this side of the drape anymore.

Another sweet, blood-covered little face pops over the drape for me to see. I am in love. My mom comes over to talk to me.

"They are beautiful!"
"What's their APGARs?"
"I don't know."
"Can you find out?"
...a moment later, "They are perfect."

Moments later both babies are brought over to me so that I can kiss their little faces before they are driven away in their baby warmers with my mom in tow. They are perfect. Perfect. Tim and I made perfect babies and I somehow held them in long enough for them to be big and healthy. (I would later learn that Ayla was 7lb 0oz and Anson was 7lb 1oz.) Now that I know they are okay, I am dozing off as they are stitching me up.

I hear them giving me a drug that is supposed to help slow my bleeding. I hear that I am bleeding a lot. I hear the word transfusion. I'm so tired that I am very unconcerned. I hear them giving me another drug that seems to do the trick - I'm fine and bleeding is under control. It takes awhile to stitch me up, so I fall asleep again.

They transfer me back onto a gurney - I decided I kind of like the strange sensation the movement gives.

I keep going in and out of sleep. In recovery I get to hold Ayla and Anson together for the first time. They are incredible. Anson looks like Tim. Ayla has red hair. They both have Tim's earlobes. I can't explain why this is one of the first things I notice. Maybe because I loved kissing his ears.

It feels like it is the middle of the night even though it is the afternoon. My dad comes in to meet them. I ask him to get Brittany - I want her to be the first to meet her little brother and sister. I stay awake while she is there, even though everything is blurry. It is a revolving door of family coming to greet the newest little members of our family. I am exhausted. I can't tell you if I am dressed, if I talked to anyone, what time it is. I just know that this is the best day of my life and I have finally met the two people I've known for the last 9 months. We did it together even though we are so far apart.

364 Un-Birthdays: A Birth Story

After weeks of practically begging my OB for an induction, I was scheduled for one on Monday 1/23/12 at 10am. The days leading up to that day were spent furiously cleaning, organizing and doing last-minute preparations for the arrival of our sweet babies. I was rushing around with no time for clear thought or reflection - driven solely by the thought of finally having our babies in my arms.

I snapped a couple last photos of my bare, pregnant belly before I drove my mom and myself to the hospital and wheeled my big suitcase inside. We met my friend Shannon who would be serving as my other labor coach. We entered the registration area where I was met by the same smiling face of the lady who had checked me in for the last many Thursdays for my NSTs. Finally I was here for the real deal. She placed 2 bracelets on my wrist. The real kind, not the thin ones you get when you pay your concert admission.

My step-daughter Brittany, my in-laws and my brother-in-law and sister-in-law were all gathered in a waiting room anticipating the babies' arrival. The world was at a stand-still as far as any of us were concerned. We were all here for one important reason. Today would be the day that all my in-law's grandchildren were born on Mondays. This morning Brittany made her Dad proud by picking up 2 newspapers for the babies to look back on many years from now. The day I finally get to meet the people Tim and I created out of the greatest love I have ever known. A whole room, Department, family, community and loved ones around the world are ready and waiting.

In labor and delivery, I got into comfortable nursing pajamas. 3 probes are strapped to my very swollen belly to monitor the babies and me just like every Thursday. An IV was run and Pitocin began dripping into my body. I had not wanted to be induced - I wanted no Pitocin, having read "horror" stories about it. Now, I just wanted my babies. Up 2 mg at a time, the dosage was increased every half hour.

"Is anything happening?"
"No."

"Anything?"
"No. Nothing."

I reached the max dosage of 24mg with no changes. I am told that I should go walk around for awhile. Go to the cafeteria and eat some food. I knew this was not a good sign. No laboring woman is allowed to eat, but I was not laboring, was I? I ate soup and a big cookie. The soup was good. The cookie was just alright.

Back to the room. Still no changes. Back on Pitocin. Back to waiting. Reading trashy magazines usually reserved for the hair salon. Mom and Shannon are dozing off while I sit listening to their breathing just wishing for sleep and wishing that things would move along. Willing my cervix to dilate so I can meet our babies.

Tuesday creeps in.

There is some progression and the decision is made to break my water. It doesn't hurt. An hour passes before the contractions catch up to me.

"Rate your pain for me."
"Five or six. This is not comfortable. I am not comfortable."
"She's more like a seven or eight."
"Aghhh. This is not comfortable!"

They offer me an epidural. I don't think I have endured enough to justify it yet. Childbirth is supposed to be hard, and this is just becoming hard. I wait.

A little while later I do want that epidural. I didn't know it would take 15 minutes for the anesthesiologist to arrive and drive it into my spine. Those were long minutes followed my a pinch, a burn and sweet relief.

Now they think I can't walk so I need a catheter. Funny thing is I can move my legs freely. Inserting the catheter hurts worse than the contractions had. I'm not numb where I need to be numb. I am getting scared. I don't want to give birth when I can feel my lady parts. I want more medicine, but they can't give it to me yet.

The external monitors are not giving the Dr all the information he needs, so the decision is made to place an internal monitor on one of the babies' heads. It hurts like the catheter did, but the discomfort is lingering. Neither sitting nor laying on my side is tolerable. Mom and Shannon are dozing off again. I'm playing some version of Scrabble on my cell phone. I'm losing game after game.

I'm getting the feeling things are not going well. The nurses keep checking me and my progress is minimal. The internal monitor is not registering and every attempt to re-position it is painful, but they don't want to remove it. When the Dr comes in to check me, I ask him and he agrees to remove it. He is now my favorite person.

It is now nearly noon. I have not slept aside from a small dozing here and there. I am exhausted. A nurse checks me and calls the Doctor to check me. I can tell he is not liking what he sees. He talks to me frankly. The babies are being squished by my contractions that are not progressing. Every step they take to try to advance the delivery seems to set it back instead. The harder I we work at it, the farther I am getting from the vaginal delivery I had envisioned. But nothing about this day is at all what I had envisioned because Tim isn't here like he should be. I am surrounded by people who love me or have my best interest at heart, but I am alone.

He is suggesting I strongly consider a c-section. I am free to continue to labor but he feels that it is not going to get better for me in my state of exhaustion or for the babies who are being subjected to a labor that is not progressing. There are 6 people in the room. All agree that the c-section is the right thing to do. I concur.

The doctor goes off to check the OR schedule. He thinks they can get me in in the early afternoon.

Moments later, the Doctor and a small crew of people come into the room.

"Now. We're going now," he says while directing people to pack up my things and get me prepped. Shannon is gathering my things onto a cart to take to my pre-selected post-partem  room. Mom is rushing around preparing to head to the OR with me. I am sending a few select texts to let those closest know I am heading in for a c-section.

I feel a strange sense of relief that I have no time to over think or dwell on the situation. Relief that I am finally about to meet the two people who will forever change my life and my role in life.

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Stay tuned for the rest of the story.

Teaser

I have been conspicuously absent the last several days.... It doesn't take many guesses to get to the bottom of the reason for my absence.

On Tuesday January 24th, I learned about a kind of love I had only dreamed about when our 2 anxious families welcomed our 2 beautiful and healthy children into the world.

It has only been 6 days, but I feel like I have loved these babies forever.

Ayla James Barber... 7lb 0oz

Anson Timothy Barber... 7lb 1oz

Anson on the left & Ayla on the right in a tribute to their incredible Daddy.

Stay tuned. A new adventure is just beginning.

The Challenge

Today I would like to offer up a challenge to my chubby little children....

Yes, I am calling them "chubby" because according to their ultrasound on Tuesday they are weighing in at 7lb 7oz and 7lb 12oz. Those are good weights for singletons, never mind twins. I am carrying around 15lbs of people in my tummy - wrap your mind around that one!

I washed and packed a couple "newborn" sized outfits because I started doubting that the "preemie" outfits I have packed will fit them. Now we have options. I like options.

Anyway... back to my challenge. Anson & Ayla, your mama challenges you to take charge of the situation and make your appearance in this world before Monday. If you choose to keep being stubborn and hiding out inside, you will be unpleasantly surprised when the Doctor induces me on Monday. There's still time for it to be your decision, so act quickly!

Breathe In, Breathe Out....

This was my third week having 2 doctor visits per week. On Tuesdays we go to my OB's office for a BPP Test. There an ultrasound is done to make sure the babies are moving around appropriately, that the amniotic fluid is intact and that the kids are practicing their breathing.

This week, the ultrasound tech at my usual office was off for the day, so I went to another of their offices. It was a little closer, a lot newer and the waiting room had better magazines. Let's just say they are lucky I love the staff at my usual office or a permanent switch may have happened.

The BPP went perfectly. Both babies were super cooperative and anxious to show off their skills. Anson had himself wedged in there in such a way that we couldn't really see his head, much less his little face. Ayla, however, was very visible, which is unusual for her. The tech clicked on her little face and zoomed in. Clicked again, and there was my pretty little girl in 3D. I had no idea her machine had that capability and the tears just started flowing. She took several photos for me as we watched Ayla practicing breathing and sucking. 

                                          Ayla at 34 weeks (Are those Mama's chubby cheeks?)

I was lucky enough to get to see Anson in 3D a some time ago, but Ayla was hiding that day and I've often wondered what it would have been like to get a sneak peek of them both.  

                                           Anson at 24 weeks (Looks like Daddy's movie star chin!)

Some great mysteries still remain and I'm so excited to meet them in person and watch them grow up into the amazing people I know they will be. 

Weighing In

I had an appointment with the OB the end of last week.... just your standard stuff, which in the case if a twin pregnancy includes a lot of ultrasounds. I know I've said it before, but I just love seeing the babies on the screen. I feel like I have a glimpse of their personalities from all the time we have logged getting ultrasounds.

The high point of my appointment was learning that I passed my 3-hour glucose test. There was some concern after I failed the 1-hour test that I may have gestational diabetes. Thankfully that is not the case. Big sign of relief there.

The babies get measured by an ultrasound tech... their heads, abdomens, arm and leg bones are measured to help the Drs come up with a prediction of their current weights. At 29.5 weeks, Anson weighed in at 3lb 4oz and Ayla at 3lb 2oz. Pretty impressive, especially for twins.

They look happy and healthy inside me. Anson woke from a nap while we were watching and yawned a couple times. Ayla was just being her usual sweet self and cooperated with being measured. I'm getting more and more prepared and more and more excited to meet these two face to face.

Week 24 In The Tummy

Today I had an appointment with our OB to measure the babies development via ultrasound. I asked Tim's parents to join me and they were pretty excited to view their very first ultrasound. My favorite niece was also able to come and she was really good at making out the images on the screen.

Ayla & Anson are both in great health. The pregnancy is progressing normally now, and all is well in my uterus.

Ayla is weighing in at 1lb 10 oz. Anson, who looks a bit taller, weighs in at 1lb 11oz.

Earlier in the pregnancy, I think I had shared that I had experienced some frightening bleeding that was the result of a Subchorionic Hematoma. I had experienced continued spotting since the last hemorrhage occurred. Although I know not everyone believes the same things that I believe, it is my belief that Tim took that bleeding with him when he passed away. I'm not sure if there is a process for negotiating or what, but I can imagine him negotiating on behalf of me and the babies. I haven't lost a drop of blood since he left this Earth.

I think that Tim is right here with us and that he has a watchful eye on us and will make sure that the babies are developing properly throughout their time in the tummy.

Who's In There?

Today was simultaneously one of the most exciting days and of of the most difficult days since Tim passed away. We had been looking forward to this day for a very long time and talked about it often, so when the day arrived, I knew that it would be nothing like I had imagined it because my perfect husband would not be holding my hand.

I was grateful to have Brittany and my Mom with me for the ultrasound today. When we learned the babies' sexes, I cried with happiness and I cried because I miss Tim and I cried with relief that it worked out that we can use the names that Tim and I had picked out.

We are having a son, Anson Timothy, and a daughter, Ayla James.

They are beautiful and healthy. They are growing fast and their heart beats are strong. They will know all about their Daddy and they will love him almost as much as I do. They will help me to live through this unimaginable loss and they will teach me what it is to be strong.

Ultrasound #2: Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Preface: The posts in this series were written in the past. I am posting them chronologically, but these events are not taking place right now, they already happened. The date in the title of each post is the date it was originally written.

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I was anxious to get to see those little babies again. Waiting all day was killing me.

Tim had been feeling terrible all day - the new treatments were getting to him. I knew he not only felt like crap, but was also frustrated that they were affecting him this way.

The previous evening he had suggested that I call and invite my Mom to come along to the U/S appointment, which I knew she would love, and she accepted. She was excited to see those little grands for herself!

Tim had been fighting extreme pain and nausea all day and asked if I would be okay if he didn't come. (You KNOW he had to feel terrible to miss this, poor guy.) I assured him it was fine and promised to bring him pictures.

Mom walked through the door of the clinic with a grin from ear to ear. We waited a few short minutes until we were ushered back to see the babies.

They looked wonderful, measured perfectly for their gestation and had great similar heart beats that make this mama's heart flutter.

The nurse, who we have gotten to know pretty well during the course of this process, was excited for us, excited for my parents to be first time Grands and was entertaining us by writing "Hi, Grandma!" and "Hi, Daddy!" on the printed pictures for us to take home.

When we left, it was with mixed emotions - they had announced that Tim and I were "graduating" (meaning that we would be cared for by an OBGYN from that time on) and many of our favorite nurses, financial counselors and program coordinators came out of the woodwork to hug me. It was a happy goodbye.

Tim was so happy to see the pictures of the babies when I got home and to hear about how well they are growing. I read him some parts from our pregnancy book about their development and we basked in the glow of happiness.

The Big Reveal: Part Two: Sunday, June 19, 2011

Preface: The posts in this series were written in the past. I am posting them chronologically, but these events are not taking place right now, they already happened. The date in the title of each post is the date it was originally written.

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I have heard people say "I've waited my whole life for this day" before and I always think it's a little overly dramatic. Really? Your "whole life"? Well, when my parents and grandparents arrived for Father's Day dinner, I really had waited my whole life for that day. Tim had been giddy and excited with me all day. I'm not even sure how I managed to prep dinner. I can't remember what I fixed. 

I'd ordered the gift weeks ago and had it in the box for days. I'd wrapped it just that morning so I could keep looking at it and making sure it was just right. 

Neither Tim nor I ate well - we were just waiting for dinner to be over so we could see my Dad open his gift. 

I have to say, I loved their reactions. These are 2 people who couldn't possibly be more excited to finally be grandparents. And if their parenting is any indication, I think they'll be wonderful at it.

Click HERE to watch the video.

(If that link doesn't work, cut and paste this link into a new browser window: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-qw47vWS_s4 )

The Big Reveal: Part One: Saturday, June 18, 2011

Preface: The posts in this series were written in the past. I am posting them chronologically, but these events are not taking place right now, they already happened. The date in the title of each post is the date it was originally written.

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Some things can't be put into words, so I will just give you a little background information and let you watch the outcome for yourself. 

Having 2 families means that sometimes we are able to get the whole group together, and sometimes we have to celebrate things separately. This year, we celebrated Tim's brother Ted's birthday and Father's Day together by gathering with his family at the Olive Garden. 

Tim dutifully videotaped as his Dad (recovering from shoulder surgery) opened his very special Father's Day gift. 

I think he liked it.

Click HERE to watch the video.

(If that link doesn't work, cut and paste this link into a new browser window: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ppdh_Z9RnqU )

First Ultrasound: Monday, June 13, 2011

Preface: The posts in this series were written in the past. I am posting them chronologically, but these events are not taking place right now, they already happened. The date in the title of each post is the date it was originally written.

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We've been waiting a very long, very difficult 23 days for this day to arrive. Last week, I felt like I needed a little communication, so I took a home pregnancy test just to get a positive reading.

I met Tim at the Doctor's office. I arrived about 20 minutes early, which didn't matter as we were taken to a room about 30 minutes late. (Grrrr.) I was getting to be a stir-crazy mama waiting to get a look inside my uterus!

In the exam room, we were greeted by one of our favorite nurses who was just beaming with happiness that we were pregnant. Such a different feeling than other times we had been there and I had felt so disappointed and discouraged. I was already enjoying our visit and hadn't seen a thing yet.

Tim scooted his chair up close to me and was holding my hand, both of us a little sweaty-handed with excitement, nerves and anticipation. That first glimpse when I recognized what I was looking at, I think my heart skipped a beat. No sign of recognition from Tim. A long second passes.

I see two big, dark parches on the screen. Neither is my bladder. I have learned to pick that out right away, and that is not it. There isn't a doubt in my mind about what I am looking at. 2 gestational sacs.

"We have twins!" proclaims the nurse with a big smile. Tim squeezes my hand and says, "Yesssss!" like a kid who just got picked first for a team.

I laid there, propped up on my elbows staring at the screen surprised how in shock I am since we have always talked about having twins. She continues the exam, making sure everything is in good order.

It wasn't until she labels them "Baby A" and "Baby B" that I cried a little. For some reason that really got me (pregnant emotions, anyone??).  Both babies have great, strong heartbeats that we got to both see and hear. They measure similarly, though baby B is a tiny bit smaller. They both measure at 7 weeks, 1 day gestation.

I can't believe that they are calling me almost 2 months pregnant. That I am 2/3 of the way through the first trimester that everyone says is so difficult and I feel so good.

Before we leave, we talk to the nurses about finding an OBGYN and they give me some samples of good prenatal vitamins. We schedule another ultrasound for next Wednesday. Then we should be able to see the umbilical cord and the placenta(s). This is routine to make sure that all is going according to plan. In the meantime, I get to keep up my massive Rx schedule, but today even a bruised tummy and backside feel 200% worthwhile.

We drive home, floating on a cloud.

We now have less than a week to keep our mouths shut before we FINALLY get to surprise our families for Father's Day. Pretty sure this will be the best gift ever.

Cake Bites Online

I'm happy to announce that the Cake Bites by Autumn website is finally up and running. I've been having a lot of fun the last several months making Cake Bites for all occasions. If you haven't had (or made!) an excuse to try them, maybe this will inspire you.

Come have a look at www.cakebitesbyautumn.com .

365 Days

Tim and I recently celebrated our first anniversary. It's so hard to believe that it has been a whole year since the day we stood in front of our families and friends and said our vows. It's been the best year calling Tim my husband.

Tim surprised me with tickets to go see Phantom of the Opera in Las Vegas. I've never seen it and have always wanted to - he pays such close attention and always gets the perfect gift.

With me not working, we decided to make it a budget trip, so we drove and we did not stay at the fanciest places, but we had the greatest time laughing and singing in the car. The show was beyond incredible. The theater in the Venetian was built for it, so the layout and the sets were flawless. The set changes were so quick that there wasn't even an intermission! Everything was amazing. Most especially getting to spend a special celebratory weekend with my husband.

How did I get to be so lucky? So loved?