My Little People

"Anson, can Mommy have a hug?"
"No."
"A kissy?"
"No."
"Ayla, can I have a kissy?"
"Hahaha... Nooo."

I think this is a sign that we are approaching 2. Is 2 really going to be "terrible"? Trying, maybe, but I can't imagine anything being terrible with these kids. A&A are growing and learning so much about the world around them. Learning to recognize their wants and needs, knowing what they do and do not want to do in any given moment in time.

"Do you want to go night night?"
"No."

Five minutes later.... "Mama, night night? Up."

At the table..... "Take a bite, you'll like it!"
"Mmmmm. Num num! More? Please?"
(Apparently they know how much I love when people compliment my cooking. That was one of my favorite things about Tim, he always complimented my cooking, especially in front of other people - bonus points!)

One of the things I am most enjoying is observing them learning to pretend. Every time they have the opportunity to play in a pretend kitchen, they love it. They pretend to cook and eat and put away dishes. (Santa is taking notes about this interest.) They have a small stroller at home and enjoy putting a "baby" in it and pushing it around, pausing to tend to the baby, giving her kisses and carrying her intermittently.

When we venture out, they point out babies, excitedly announcing their presence, just in case the mommy hadn't noticed that little bundle in her cart. Their baby pictures hanging on the wall are also more noticed now and they call their own small selves "baby!".

Recently they watched their first movie. They have seen other things before, but never paid attention like they did when I put on the Lion King. They both stopped and stared, standing in awe of the TV for some time before finally both climbing up on the couch with me to watch the entire film. I couldn't believe they would watch a whole movie like that, but they loved seeing the animals and naming them. (Although there were a LOT of "doggies" in their opinions.) Animals are of special interest now.

I was writing down on a calendar each time one of them learned a new word. Now the new words are flying out so fast I can't keep track. Anson even told me, "Mommy, come here" the other day. They tell each other "No, stop!" pretty frequently - I guess that's probably par for the course with twins.

I'm constantly amazed with the things they know, the things they are learning. No longer babies, I am impressed with the the amazing little people they are.

Lightning Striking Twice?

"Lightning never strikes twice."

That quote was in my mind after Tim died a lot. I mean, I never imagined that I would love a man as amazing as Tim. He was so good to me, truly teaching me the meaning of "how you deserve to be treated". I'm not just one of those widows who makes their late husband into a perfect person after he is gone - ask anyone who knew him - he was pretty close to perfect. He would deny being perfect, instead telling me that, "I'm just perfect for you."

So when Tim was gone, I pretty much convinced myself that I'd had the last of the Good Men out there and that I was destined to be alone or at best, with someone mediocre. And you know what, I was okay with that because I knew I'd had the best already. To expect, or even hope, for that to happen twice would be just plain greedy.

How did it happen, then, that instead I met someone wonderful? Was he a gift? A gift from Tim? A birthday gift from Tim? He always did love giving a good gift. Who knows. But he loves me. He looks out for A&A. He loves them, hugs them, helps them, sits in time out with them, builds them a new bed because they learn to climb out of the old one, reaches back to hold their hand in the car if they are crying. He listens to me, actually hears what I say, holds me when I cry, supports me, asks me questions about my past, my present and my dreams. He accepts me and doesn't think of my "baggage" as being "baggage" at all.

He is different from Tim in many ways, but he is exactly what I need right now. What we need.

Maybe lightning does strike twice.

Mama! Mommy! Mom!

It seemed like I waited forever for them to start using my name. Well, to call me something anyway. They learned to say "mama" pretty early, but it was more babble than anything else.

Now, they say it and they mean it.

"Mama! Mama!" says Anson.

"Mommy!" says Ayla.

Of course they call me different things - they couldn't be more different.

Some days they like to mix it up and call me "Mummy" as though they were little British kids. There are so many cute words that British kids use. The problem is that it is so un-cute when they become adults. I guess I'll need to break them of this habit before they hit puberty.

Saying my name doesn't necessarily mean they want or need ME. Actually, I think the literal translation is, "Hey, you, adult there.... I need something and you should get it for me."

Some day it will be "Motherrrrr" accompanied by an eye roll (that I'm pretty sure I invented as a teenager). They may settle into just "Mom" when they are older. Right now "Mommy" and "Mama" are the sweetest words.

Separation Anxiety

When Ayla & Anson were born, part of me was sad because I had caused them to be separated. All they had even known was to be warm and snuggled up together, and yet here they were, out in the big, crewel world and SEPARATED. 

When we got home from the hospital, they slept in a rocking cradle in my room together. It was right next to my bed so that I could reach my fingers in and pat them as they fell asleep. I could reach over and scoop them up when they cried in the night.

Soon they grew too big to both fit in the cradle. It was time for them to move into their own room. The trouble was it was on the other side of the house. I took comfort in going in and looking at them still nestled into one crib, still having each other, even if their Mommy was practically in a different zipcode.





Eventually, history repeated itself and they became too big to share a crib. They were sleeping restlessly and kicking one another. Putting them into 2 cribs did not break my heart too much because they are right next to each other and they enjoyed the freedom to roll around in their own space while still keeping an eye on the other. The great joy of my mornings was waking up to the sounds of them talking to each other and practicing their words together, throwing blankets and toys overboard and laughing together.

Now, the time has come for them to go into their own rooms. I always knew that I wanted this step to happen before I started getting "gender questions" and I thought that, like most things, I would "just know" when the time was right. Well, that time is now. There are important transitions afoot - Anson is still taking a binky at night and I would like him to stop, but it seems unfair to subject Ayla to his crying. Ayla is showing curiosity about the potty. With potty training comes the realization that she and brother are plumbed differently. It's just time.

The thought of my little loves being this grown up chokes me up.

Single Mom

When I was pregnant, I wanted to take a child-birth class before I had the babies. I looked into it. It was the first time I had to deal with being a "single mom".

I didn't want to go sit in a class full of mommies and daddies happily expecting their little bundles of joy, looking into each other's eyes twinkling with excitement and hope for the future. In fact for many months, couples made me very uncomfortable. Even couples I love very much.

Instead I was offered to go to the single mom's child-birthing class.

But I didn't fit in there either.

Instead I skipped it all together and counted on my mom and my friend Shannon to get me through labor. They did fine, I made it through, and after 26 hours I ended up with a c-section anyway, so it really didn't matter.

The point is: I am not a "single parent". I mean, I am, but I am widowed, which is different. Drastically different.

I know that there are a million scenarios when it comes to parenting, and some of what I am about to say might not be entirely fair, but I'm going to say it anyway.

In a typical divorced, single parent set-up there are a few things that happen:

You, your husband or both of you made a decision to end your marriage.
You fought over possessions and debt. You got the couch, he got the TV, you split the AmEx bill.
A "parenting time" plan was set in place, as was child support and alimony where applicable.
You argue with your former spouse about pick-up and drop-off times, general parenting decisions and even money matters. You think he/she is a jerk.
You realize that it's hard being a single parent when there is nobody to pick up the slack around the house or with the kids.
You struggle with guilt and end up getting relaxed on rules and maybe even trying to be the "favorite" parent by letting your kids get away with more then your former spouse.

When people tell me they know how hard it is to be a single parent, the little voice inside my head wants to scream. The only person who knows what it is like for me is another widowed parent.

I didn't make a decision to end my marriage - my husband was stollen from his family against his will.
I got everything. That means I got to keep the bed we used to sleep in, the couch we used to snuggle on and the dinner table we used to sit around. I also got the AmEx bill.
When Divorced Dad is coming by Wednesdays and every other weekend to take the kids, you may not like every decision he makes, but you are getting a break. You can have cereal for dinner, go out with your friends, work on a project - whatever you want. You are getting some time.

 I get time one of 2 ways - either I ask a favor of a friend or family member or I pay a babysitter. And they are making $10-14 and hour these days. Ouch. I shell out for a break once a week for 4 hours. And I earned those 4 hours. The other 164 hours a week, I am on-duty.

I can't tell you what I would give to be divorced from Tim. I saw how he was as a dad and as an ex-husband and it was pretty admirable. He got along with his ex-wife and was still able to be a phenomenal Dad to his daughter. I would love the opportunity to be divorced from him for the simple fact that it would mean A&A could still have him, even if I couldn't.

Yes, it is hard being a single parent. I get that. You know what sucks even worse? Not having an ex to complain about.

Happy Father's Day

It is hard to believe that it was just 2 short years ago at this time that we announced our pregnancy to our families with such excitement - the future gleaming in our eyes. The only time I ever saw Tim as excited as he was when he talked about "The Twins" was when he talked about Brittany. This was a man who was born to be a Dad. He had a proven track record as an incredible Dad and I was excited to parent with him.

For his first Father's Day with A&A, even though we had just learned they existed, I got him a little present to give him at the dinners with each of our families. One was coasters I had made him for his under-construction bar. They were hand stamped by me with a special "Barber" monogram. The other was a t-shirt, which he was especially proud of:

That t-shirt was one that choked my up when I recently folded up Tim's clothes and put them in boxes. It wasn't even the shirts, pants, underwear that upset me - it was the memories of him wearing those things and my decision to fold them and put them in the garage, essentially removing Tim from our closet. It was time. His scent had long ago faded from those clothes - even the last ones that he wore.

Last year on Father's Day, the kids and I were sitting at Tim's grave, uncertain of the future and completely devastated. I still celebrated the day because I am fortunate enough to still have my Dad, but I was just heartbroken that A&A don't have theirs.

I guess at least I can say that this year, things are moving in a better direction. I am moving in a forward direction, which I know Tim would appreciate. And the kids are growing up. They have known who Tim is since they were itty bitty. They have been able to identify him in photos since long before they could talk. Now, they recognize him even in photos during his chemo when he had no hair and they declare him "Dada" and "DeeDee". Ayla occasionally tell me "DeeDee" is in places other than pictures, which brings me joy because A) I believe that he is with us and B) Tim wasn't sure what he believed as far as life after death, so this means I was right, even if he can't verbally tell me so.

Certainly Anson & Ayla do not know WHAT a "Daddy" is, but they know WHO their Daddy is.

And, again, we will spend this Father's Day visiting Tim at the cemetery, where they will point to the picture on his headstone when I ask, "Where's Daddy?"

This year, my goal is to build a place where A&A can go to learn "Who is Daddy?" They will get to know him from every perspective. This will be my Father's Day gift to the best Dad our kids never got to know. I hope to have a lot of help and contributions in making it everything it should be

It will be called http://www.knowingdaddy.com

7 Whole Months!

It is hard for me to believe that Ayla & Anson are now 7 months old. Time is moving quickly, yet I have little memory of what life was like before they arrived. Harder still is trying to reconcile our old life with this new life. It truly feels like 2 different lives to me.

The last month has brought a bevy of exciting changes and development.
 
Anson got his first and second tooth on the bottom and only 3 days apart. He was a trooper about it, fussing little.

Ayla finally caved and talked. She didn't say "Ahmama" as Anson did, instead she waited until she could say "Mom" plain as day. She has since started working on her "B" sounds.

Ayla is rolling and scooting all over the place. She can hold herself up on the edge of the couch if I help her to stand initially. Crawling seems eminent. Baby gates are gleaming in our near future.

Anson is becoming more mobility motivated as well. His rolling has improved and he can pivot on his tummy to change direction easily.  

A&A started swimming lessons and are loving their time in the pool practicing their little skills.

Ayla has begun giving "kisses". I use the term loosely because she actually just opens her mouth, grabs your face and slimes your cheek. Puckering is a skill to be learned in the future, apparently.

Both kids are sleeping more like little children instead of babies. When I lay them down, they roll all over the crib to find a comfortable position, sometimes on their sides or with their little butts in the air. It is too cute.

We took our first road trip to San Diego to visit with friends. I am proud to report that the trip was pretty mellow and without any major disasters aside from one little diaper blow out disaster on the way.

Ayla continues to be the mischievous one, always coveting her bother's toys or pacifier. She wall try to steal his binky even if hers is in her mouth. Pretty much any toy he has is more appealing than whatever she is playing with at the moment. Anson is pretty laid back and usually lets her have what she wants... except the binky. That is sacred.

They are both impressing me very much with their recognition of people and things. We look at pictures of Tim in our hallway daily and talk about "Where's Daddy?". Both kids will look at Tim when I ask. This month when we went to Tim's parent's house to visit, I carried them each over to their refrigerator, which is covered in photos, and asked, "Where's Daddy?". Ayla immediately looked at his picture, one they had never seen before,  and smiled. Anson leaned over and pointed and tapped Daddy's picture.

It is amazing to me what they know at such a young age.

Half Birthday

Happy (very belated) 6 months to my little loves. I am a naughty mommy for not getting this posted in a timely manner, but I think they are still young enough to forgive me.

I feel like there are little milestones every day and Anson & Ayla are becoming their own people more and more. Their personalities couldn't be more different, and that thrills me. Ayla is very outgoing and cheerful, but expects her wants, needs and desires to be met Right This Minute. She likes to be active and would rather roll and scoot all over the place as opposed to sit still to play with a toy. Anson is more laid back and enjoys figuring out how things work. He likes the toys on the bouncer more than bouncing and loves blocks and his xylophone.

This month Anson started the process of being fitted for a DOC Band. This is a medical device that looks like a helmet. It will help to reshape his head, which has some flattening from being cramped in the tummy with his sister and unable to move around the last few months of our pregnancy. In the next couple of weeks it will get a fun design courtesy of The Wrap Shoppe who designs them as a public service. Stay tuned for pictures when that arrives.

Although their spoken vocabularies are limited (Anson is the only one "talking" and his only word is "Mama" which he uses to beckon me.), they are recognizing certain words and commands:

Where's Kaiser? - Ayla especially will look around to find him when you mention his name. She acknowledges that she has a brother and that he is "okay", but she LOVES that dog. They are besties.

Two Hands - Both kids will hold their own bottles with 2 hands when you remind them. This is particularly helpful with Anson who likes to "wag" his bottle with his left hand only. (I think we have a little leftie on our hands!)

Up - Both kids will reach up to you to be picked up. If Ayla is in the bouncer, she will straighten her legs to "stand" for you to pick her up.

Can You Shake Hands? - Anson will reach out and flatten his right hand to shake hands. He prefers if he is told "it's very nice to meet you" in conjunction with this.

Where's Daddy? - Both kids will look at photos of Tim in the hallway if you pause and talk to them about him. This is both sweet and very sad to me, because I hate that they might think the pictures are called Daddy and not realize that he was a real man who loved them so much.

Bite - Ayla is loving trying all these new foods and will open for a bite. Anson, on the other hand, has not quite mastered the art of eating and really prefers not to have to eat real food. (I totally understood this when they were eating only cereal because that stuff is gross, but I have made them homemade foods of carrots, sweet potatoes, avocado and squash, all of which were pretty tasty!)

These kids are fortunate to have so many people in their lives who love them so much. I am fortunate to have people around me who realize that I need help sometimes. We are all making it through one day at a time.

Happy 4th

In Tempe, every cop works the 4th of July. That's just how it is. Nobody questions it, but many wish they didn't have to be there. For good reason, too. The rest of us are uncomfortable in the heat, but we aren't standing in direct sun for 10 hours wearing layers of dark clothing, a bullet proof vest and pounds upon pounds of equipment.

Last year, Tim didn't work the 4th. He wasn't feeling well, but we got to spend dinner with my family. We got to be home with Kai to make sure he was okay with the fireworks. One more "last" that we didn't know would be our last. Two years ago, I was able to be at Tempe Town Lake sitting right next to where Tim was posted, watching fireworks "together".

All day today, I thought about all Tim's friends working and how happy I was that it was beautiful and overcast for them. A little blessing on a day they would surely rather be at home with their own families than out there making sure the rest of us are safe.

I thought about how we looked forward to the kids getting bigger and me taking them to the Tempe fireworks in a wagon so we could sit near Tim and "ooh" and "aah" together. How we would have been able to talk about how pretty it was the next day over breakfast. How he would have talked to whomever he was working with that night about our family.

I never took Tim's goodness for granted, but I took life for granted. I assumed there would be another day, another year, another memory, another opportunity. Love your husband. Kiss your kids. Every day you are making memories and none of us know what the future holds. Make each day count. Don't complain.

5 Month Birthday

Wishing a happy 5 month birthday to my two amazing babies. For the last 10 months they have been my biggest support and the reason I wake up every morning to face the day. I wish more than anything that Tim were here with me to see the progress they are making and the little people they are becoming.

Ayla & Anson have had a lot of "milestones" in the last month.

Eating:
The kids started on cereal this month. We tried both rice cereal and baby oatmeal. Neither were a huge hit, and after tasting them both I think I can tell you why. Yuck! I am excited to get to start preparing them vegetables soon - then the food appreciation will begin.

Interaction:
Although Ayla has always been pretty interested in Anson, this month the love has become mutual. They will reach out to touch each other and roll to "play" together. When they see each other, their little faces light up and they even sit in their Bumbo chairs and "talk" to each other. This causes me to wonder about something I have heard of: Twinspeak, where twins develop their own language to communicate privately. I just hope they are saying nice things about their Mommy.

Laughing:
Both kids will get a kick out of certain words and cause them to giggle uncontrollably when I say them. For Ayla it has been "jeggings" and "flower". For Anson it was "Mama". They both have adorable laughs and when they get going you can't help but be laughing right along with them.

Talking:
Another surprise this month was that Anson decided to start saying "Mama". (It is usually more like "Ahmama".) With Ayla being more of a storyteller, I always thought she would utter a word before him, but Anson just had to prove me wrong. He says it pretty consistently now and has even learned that crying "Mama!" will get him attention quicker than a cry when he wakes up from a nap.

Swimming:
I took the kids to my parent's house for their first swim. At the suggestion of a friend, we tried out a special flotation device and both Anson & Ayla loved the water. Ayla liked how sparkly it was and was fascinated with looking at the ripples. Anson had a great time relaxing in his float and splashing. I want to get them to feel secure when I am with them in the water so that they will not be intimidated by swim lessons in the future. This is something very important to us living in Arizona where water is a pleasure and a danger that lurks in so many back yard pools.

Desk Project

I have started to think about what will happen when I split the kids' rooms. Right now we have an office and a guest room. I knew I would have to forego one of these well-used rooms, and the idea of moving the computer and filing cabinet and the like into our master bedroom did not appeal to me in the least. I don't like electronics of any kind in there: no TV, no computer, no distractions. We had thought those days of blinking computer lights in the night were behind us when we moved from my tiny townhouse.

A little bit of reading Real Simple magazine (my guilty pleasure) and looking at Pinterest.com got the wheel in my mind turning. This was one of my many "Inspiration" photos:

I decided to move the guest room into what is now the office and convert the closet in that room into my office. The closet in there is nothing special - just your builder-grade sliding door closet.

We had many of the elements that I would be using on hand, but they would need a little face-lift. Thankfully my parents owned a hardware store when I was little, so I am pretty fearless about tackling little projects. I am also far too cheap to buy new things when I think I can re-use, re-finish or re-purpose what I already have. (This was one of Tim's favorite things about me.)

6 cans of spray paint, one gallon of turquoise paint and many busy nap times while the babies were sleeping later, I am pleased with the result.

I still need to paint the rest of the room and move the guest room in here. There will be white curtains on the windows and matching curtains that can be closed to hide the "office" from guests, but I feel a sense of satisfaction that I have gotten it this far.

The payoff is that Ayla & Anson will each have their own room when the time is right, and Ayla will even have a little walk-in closet - every girl's dream, right?

Every time I accomplish something, every time I do something Tim would be proud of me for, I can hear him saying, "That looks great, babe! You're awesome. I love you." It makes me feel a little more like myself again.

Kaiser Turns 2!

On Saturday, Kaiser turned two marking a big milestone in his life and in our lives. We celebrated with a (lately infrequent) trip to the dog park and then to Petsmart for a new toy, some rawhide chews and the makings for a doggie birthday cupcake. 

Tim and I researched breeds, first dreaming of a chocolate lab before settling on the intelligence, protectiveness and appropriate energy of a German Shepherd. Kaiser was one of a little of 5 puppies born to a mother known only as Goldie - a blonde shepherd who was found wandering the desert of Southern Arizona while pregnant. A lady who raises Golden Retrievers took her in and cared for her and the pups until they could be placed for adoption through the Southern Arizona German Shepherd Rescue. 

Our interview process was intense. Phone interviews, aerial photos of our home and our neighborhood, discussions on training and discipline, lists of the closest dog amenities sent via email.... We adopted Kai 2 weeks before we moved into our new house. 

Kaiser is my first dog and little did we know at the time, the only shot Tim and I had at co-parenting. We took our responsibility very seriously and enrolled him in puppy classes and worked on manners, behavior and tricks with love and consistency. 

Over the last many months, Kai has become a big support for me and also my great protector. He is the perfect blend of protective and gentle, always knowing what is appropriate. He does not trust men that he doesn't know and is fiercely loyal to his family. He believes that A&A are "his" babies. 

We brought home blankets from the hospital to swaddle dolls so that he could learn their smells and begin to adjust before they came home. Kaiser was quick to fall in love when Ayla & Anson were born in January and now loves nothing more than having "tummy time" with them. He is a wonderful "fuzzy brother" and I am forever so proud of the dog he has become. 

Four Months

Two perfect babies with few similarities.

This month Anson surprised us by rolling front to back on Sunday night. (I know this is his way of further avoiding his nemesis: "Tummy Time".) Not to be outdone, Ayla followed suit the next morning. I am now on high alert all the time. 

Both of the kids have their moments of being outspoken and moments of shyness. They allow the other to "talk" and rarely "interrupt" one another. Ayla's voice is higher and very girly - Anson's is decidedly more masculine. Her hands are often open and graceful - his are usually balled up. Ayla poses for the camera while Anson clams up. I have to be pretty stealth to catch one of his incredibly big, warm smiles. He is a shameless flirt - she is a sparkly-eyed charmer.

Ayla has definitely discovered Anson this month. She rolls over to grab hold of him while they are playing and is fascinated by him. He is Mr. Laid Back (yea, that's clearly from his Daddy!) and just tolerates her constant pestering, not even complaining when she grabs onto his ears.

I am loving being their mom, hanging out with them, having adventures together. I talk to them and I make little voices for them with my interpretations of their responses. (What? I spend all day every day with babies - you knew that it would drive me to the edge of sanity at some point....) I like to think we have our own little inside jokes. I can make each of them laugh (well Anson chuckles and Ayla giggles) by kissing her belly or making faces at him.

I am their butt-wiper, their bottle bringer, their snot sucking, snuggler of a mom who plays, dances, comforts and cheers. The older they get, the more adoration I see in their eyes. They are understanding affection and will nuzzle their little heads into my neck and grab onto my shirt or my hair to try to pull me closer. I find the milestone I am most looking forward to is one that there is no place to write in their baby books - the intentional hug.

Ayla: Hmmm... what do we have here?
Anson: Nom nom nom....

Ayla: Hey, brother... you should totally let me chew on your arm.
Anson: What the...?

Anson: Knock it off.  I said no. 

Ayla: Oooh. I didn't know you were serious!
Anson: Nom nom nom....

Ayla: Pleeeeeease?
Anson: You're making me uncomfortable.

Anson: Look! There's Kaiser!
Ayla: Mmmm... tastes like chicken!

My Job

The best job I've ever had means that I am sometimes getting yelled at by two angry bosses simultaneously. I take a lot of "crap" and am driven to the "bottle" many times a day. The pay is lousy, but the benefits are immeasurable. I don't get any awards and the recognition I do receive is not a holiday bonus, but a smile, a laugh or an adoring look. The hours are long and I almost always have to work through lunch and even dinner. There are other people on my team, but they only work part-time, so I pull most of the weight myself.

I know on paper it doesn't sound very appealing, but it really is the best job in the world.

Looking at these faces there is no question that I was meant to work for them....

Hoping all you Moms had a wonderful Mother's Day.

Happy (Belated) 3 Months

This last month has been amazing and rewarding. Anson and Ayla are both babbling and telling me "stories" now. They each know their names and respond when I talk to them. No longer is it just me blindly caring for them - I am receiving appreciation in return.

We have had many exciting adventures. We drove to Camp Verde to visit Grandma & Papa and were also able to see Aunt Phyllis at the care home where she resides. We went to Flagstaff for the NAU Relay for Life which honored Tim and where I was grateful to be able to be the "Caregiver Speaker". Errands get easier as the kids are growing, but are time consuming due to all the people who love to look at them and chat with me about the joys of twins.

I am amazed at how masculine Anson is, and how feminine Ayla is, even at this young age. Their hands and feet are so different with his being thick and wide like Tim's and hers being longer and narrower like mine. Each has a distinctive voice and a unique little laugh. Anson consistently does Tim's chuckle while Ayla's laugh is a squeal of excitement.

Tim left me with the two things that are helping to heal my heart and every day with them is a blessing. 

First Easter Pictures

I do take a lot of pictures. You'll just have to trust me on that. However, I usually take photos of the kids individually and then sometimes I use a fancy app on my iphone to do a split screen effect so they are at least next to each other.

Trying to take a picture that is good of 2 infants in pretty near impossible.

To demonstrate, see the "together" pictures that I took on Easter.

Anson: Mom, what are you doing??
Ayla: I'm going to eat my dress.

Anson: My eye itches.
Ayla: Hey, look, my underwear matches my dress, see?

Anson: Woah! 

Ayla: Oooooh. Gram is funny.

Anson: I'm pooping.
Ayla: Let's dance! Come on. It will be fun! Eeew... what's that smell?

Anson: Are we done yet? This is boring.
Ayla: Mom, he's touching me!

Anson: Is that a hangnail? Does that look like a hangnail to you? I think I have a hangnail.
Ayla: I need a manicure.




Now do you get why so many of our pictures look like this:

I figured you'd understand....

Developmental Delight

Ayla started smiling pretty early on - I would smile at her and she would smile back. I would dance around like an idiot and she would grin. I would talk to her and she would squeal. When I was taking pictures, she put on a show smiling, cooing and posing.

Anson, on the other hand, appeared to be a serious boy. He would smile when I changed his wet pants, but would usually have me dancing around making a fool of myself while he just stared in wide-eyed horror. I thought I was destined to be the "embarrassing parent". When I pulled out the camera, he would become uber serious. I just couldn't figure out what would amuse him.

Then suddenly, I'm getting THIS!

Count me a happy mama. I have 2 babies who grin, chuckle (Anson), squeal (Ayla), turn to listen to me when I talk and just visibly show their excitement with my general existence. What a feeling!!

Two Months: I Have Learned

To celebrate my sweet babies' two month birthday, I wanted to share some things I have learned:

• It really isn't that gross when it is your own child that poops, pees or pukes on you. 
• I am overflowing with a love I never understood until January 24th. 
• Baby mittens never stay on. Selling them is a conspiracy to steal money. 
• There's just something about baby feet, tummies and foreheads that begs to be kissed. 
• I can run 3 errands with 2 infants without an "incident". 
• Those photos of pregnant celebrities are definitely photoshopped. 
• There is a "parent's club" that you don't know about until you have a child - suddenly you are absolutely ecstatic for other friends who are expecting. You can't wait to share the joy. 
•  The people who say "never prop bottles" never had twins. 
• Just because a baby likes the swing / bouncer / rocking chair right now does not mean he or she will like it tomorrow. Adjust. 
• I can bathe them all by myself and they both amazingly like baths - even getting their hair rinsed. 
• Even when they are screaming themselves red in the face at 1am and you can't figure out the problem, they are still the greatest and cutest things around. 
• I can actually tell the difference between their cries: his and hers and each hungry, dirty pants or snuggle me cry. I never understood how parents did that before. I guess you learn when you meet your babies. 
• It is possible to have Tim present in all that we do - even little baby things like tummy time. 
• I can prepare and eat nearly anything with only one hand. 
• The house looks like a baby equipment store, but I'm learning to accept the inevitable clutter. 
• It's okay to have visitors hold the babies so I can do a few things around the house. It's even okay to leave the house alone once in a while. 
• I can hear a baby cry over the noise of the shower across the house. Babies think wet adults with shampoo in their hair are funny. 
• Being sick when you have little babies is the hardest thing I've ever done because I couldn't hold them, kiss them or care for them. 
• Babies don't mind puppy kisses. 
• One big smile is like a "thanks for wiping my butt all the time, Mom. I love you!" and makes it all worthwhile. Even the bit about getting pooped on.
  
• A burp cloth, when placed around the neck of a hungry baby, is not just a burp cloth. It is The Cape Of Hope and will stop crying immediately. 
• I love being a mom.

A Rose By Any Other Name

We got our first run at naming when we got Kaiser. We made a list of possibilities and over Mexican food and margaritas we narrowed it to 3 options. Within a couple of days we had decided and Kai's name is one we both liked a lot. Seemed easy enough.

Shortly thereafter, Tim & I starting accumulating another list of names - this time for the child we hoped to have soon. Because our reproductive process took so long, our list was added to and purged from for a year and a half. When we were not together, we would text each other ideas and commentary. Those that we both liked were added to the ongoing list.

I am frequently asked how we came up with the kids' names.

"Ayla" made it's way onto the list early. Ayla is the name of a nurse at our old vet's office. I saw it on her name tag and asked her about it. She loved her name, as did Tim and I... it stayed st the top of the list. Of course, once we knew we were having twins, we had to make sure we had 2 girl names and 2 boy names ready to go. Innitially, Ayla's middle name was to be Angeline, a combination of my mom's name (Anne) and my Aunt's name (Eileen). Our second girl name was "Ruby". Because Tim's parents often give everyone the joking middle name James, we talked about her middle name being a slightly more feminine version: "Jaymes".

An early addition to the boy's name list was "Rhett", chosen by me after a singer I like, Rhett Miller, and also because my mom dreamed while she was pregnant with me that she was having twin boys. One was to be named Barret and called Rhett.

Early in the pregnancy, we knew we were expecting twins. I began searching for a blog written by a mom of twins to read. I guess I just wanted confirmation that it could be done! I stumbled on Jodi's blog during my google search, enjoyed her writing and never looked back. She often talks highly of her wonderful husband, Anson... that's how his name bumped Rhett into the 2nd position.

We had planned to use just an innitial as the boy's middle name: "J.".  We didn't have a contingency plan for middle names if it were 2 boys. We always blindly assumed it was a girl and a boy.

I added Tim's name, "Timothy" as an executive decision knowing that Tim would be honored to have his son carry it as his middle name. There was no doubt that Ayla was "Ayla James", using her daddy's middle name as her own. She is feminine enough without altering the spelling to girly it up.

I'm so proud to call Tim my husband and so proud that our kids can carry his name with them throughout their long, healthy lives.

Names that made the list, but didn't make the cut:
Drake
Leah
Beau
Rhett
Vance
Donovan
Stella
Katherine
Ruby
Evan

Anson vs. Ayla

In honor of the babies' one month birthday, I thought I would share a little bit of their sweet personalities and quirks. It has been exciting to watch their personalities emerge, and looking back I feel like I can even see their special little traits in their eyes in th photos from the day they were born.

This motherhood stuff really is all it's cracked up to me. I'm loving it.




ANSON

• Dark hair and "questionable" colored eyes that look darker every day.
• Feels heavier than he is because of his stocky build.
• Usually has his arms crossed across his chest "command presence" style. 
• Makes growling noises, thus his nickname "The Bear". Sometimes Growly Bear, Snuggle Bear, Honey Bear.... 
• Snores softly when he sleeps.
• Has his daddy's feet, ear lobes, face, hairline, smile... pretty much looks exactly like Tim, which I love. 
• Doesn't like being naked whether to be changed or to have a bath. 
• Loves snuggling with me. 
• Smiles in satisfaction when he poops. 
• Is the greatest burper ever! (What a GUY!)
• Gains comfort from using a pacifier. Would love his fingers if I'd let him have them.
• Has a full bottom lip. 
• Is ticklish on his feet. 

AYLA

• Red hair and blue eyes. 
• Is long and lean - feels light when you hold her. 
• Has her hands up around her face much of the time. 
• Makes little "mew" noises when she eats earning her the nickname "Kitten". Usually a Happy Little Kitten, sometimes a Sad Kitten or a Wet Kitten. When she is upset, I often tell her she has "lost her mittens". 
• I haven't decided who she looks like. I see a little bit of Tim and some of my Dad (especially the coloring). 
• Loves changing clothes, the little fashionista. 
• Enjoys baths. 
• Is bright eyed and happy upon waking, but will quickly turn to wailing if she is hungry. 
• Hates sitting in her own mess. You have about 3 minutes to get clean pants on her before she complains. 
• Eats like a champ. 
• Purses her lips into a "prissy mouth".