364 Un-Birthdays: A Birth Story (Part II)

...Continued from a previous post.
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I have had to take off my necklace which upsets me. I have worn Tim's wedding ring around my neck and have never removed it. I negotiate to be able to hold it the whole time. The chain is wrapped around my hand and his ring is around my finger.

They roll me the very short distance to the operating room. It is a lot smaller than I expected inside. They have 2 baby warmers waiting. I have already been cautioned about the number of people that will be in there, so I am not shocked. Had I not been warned, I probably would be - It seems like there are 14-16 people present. A surgical team, the anisthesiologist (Richard) and a team for each baby.

I am lifted on my sheet and placed on the operating table. It is a strange sensation because I can feel only some of my body. I suddenly realize my mom is not there but then a moment later she is on my left side holding my hand. She is wearing scrubs like the doctor. She looks cute - if only she didn't have a weak stomach maybe she would have been a doctor herself.

A blue paper drape is put up at about my chest level blocking my view so I can't see what is about to happen to my abdomen. Richard has connected me to more medicine that is running through my epidural. Someone is pinching me to make sure it is working. I don't feel a thing. They begin.

Suddenly I feel the cutting. It doesn't hurt, but I feel it and it scares me.
"Mom, talk to me. Talk to me!"
"What do you want to talk about?"
I couldn't answer - it would take too long. Instead I started singing the first thing that came to mind: Happy Birthday. Fitting, I suppose.

The doctor is pushing down on my stomach. Pressure. Then I feel pulling. A moment later, a cry. My first baby is held up above the drape for me to see a perfect, bloody, slimy little face. As they whisk the baby away, the nurse stops aside me so I can have another little look. Just like I wanted, my mom goes with the baby.

Suddenly, I realize that I didn't stop to think that her going with that babies means that I am alone.

I am crying. Crying because I have a beautiful baby, because I can't believe Tim isn't here with me, because my mom is not holding my hand and the pushing and tugging is starting again.

"Richard? Richard!"
Richard the anesthesiologist it looking down at me from under his big, bushy eyebrows.
"Richard, hold my hand!"

Poor Richard looks shocked like this is the first time this has happened to him. I'm okay with that because I'm not alone on this side of the drape anymore.

Another sweet, blood-covered little face pops over the drape for me to see. I am in love. My mom comes over to talk to me.

"They are beautiful!"
"What's their APGARs?"
"I don't know."
"Can you find out?"
...a moment later, "They are perfect."

Moments later both babies are brought over to me so that I can kiss their little faces before they are driven away in their baby warmers with my mom in tow. They are perfect. Perfect. Tim and I made perfect babies and I somehow held them in long enough for them to be big and healthy. (I would later learn that Ayla was 7lb 0oz and Anson was 7lb 1oz.) Now that I know they are okay, I am dozing off as they are stitching me up.

I hear them giving me a drug that is supposed to help slow my bleeding. I hear that I am bleeding a lot. I hear the word transfusion. I'm so tired that I am very unconcerned. I hear them giving me another drug that seems to do the trick - I'm fine and bleeding is under control. It takes awhile to stitch me up, so I fall asleep again.

They transfer me back onto a gurney - I decided I kind of like the strange sensation the movement gives.

I keep going in and out of sleep. In recovery I get to hold Ayla and Anson together for the first time. They are incredible. Anson looks like Tim. Ayla has red hair. They both have Tim's earlobes. I can't explain why this is one of the first things I notice. Maybe because I loved kissing his ears.

It feels like it is the middle of the night even though it is the afternoon. My dad comes in to meet them. I ask him to get Brittany - I want her to be the first to meet her little brother and sister. I stay awake while she is there, even though everything is blurry. It is a revolving door of family coming to greet the newest little members of our family. I am exhausted. I can't tell you if I am dressed, if I talked to anyone, what time it is. I just know that this is the best day of my life and I have finally met the two people I've known for the last 9 months. We did it together even though we are so far apart.

364 Un-Birthdays: A Birth Story

After weeks of practically begging my OB for an induction, I was scheduled for one on Monday 1/23/12 at 10am. The days leading up to that day were spent furiously cleaning, organizing and doing last-minute preparations for the arrival of our sweet babies. I was rushing around with no time for clear thought or reflection - driven solely by the thought of finally having our babies in my arms.

I snapped a couple last photos of my bare, pregnant belly before I drove my mom and myself to the hospital and wheeled my big suitcase inside. We met my friend Shannon who would be serving as my other labor coach. We entered the registration area where I was met by the same smiling face of the lady who had checked me in for the last many Thursdays for my NSTs. Finally I was here for the real deal. She placed 2 bracelets on my wrist. The real kind, not the thin ones you get when you pay your concert admission.

My step-daughter Brittany, my in-laws and my brother-in-law and sister-in-law were all gathered in a waiting room anticipating the babies' arrival. The world was at a stand-still as far as any of us were concerned. We were all here for one important reason. Today would be the day that all my in-law's grandchildren were born on Mondays. This morning Brittany made her Dad proud by picking up 2 newspapers for the babies to look back on many years from now. The day I finally get to meet the people Tim and I created out of the greatest love I have ever known. A whole room, Department, family, community and loved ones around the world are ready and waiting.

In labor and delivery, I got into comfortable nursing pajamas. 3 probes are strapped to my very swollen belly to monitor the babies and me just like every Thursday. An IV was run and Pitocin began dripping into my body. I had not wanted to be induced - I wanted no Pitocin, having read "horror" stories about it. Now, I just wanted my babies. Up 2 mg at a time, the dosage was increased every half hour.

"Is anything happening?"
"No."

"Anything?"
"No. Nothing."

I reached the max dosage of 24mg with no changes. I am told that I should go walk around for awhile. Go to the cafeteria and eat some food. I knew this was not a good sign. No laboring woman is allowed to eat, but I was not laboring, was I? I ate soup and a big cookie. The soup was good. The cookie was just alright.

Back to the room. Still no changes. Back on Pitocin. Back to waiting. Reading trashy magazines usually reserved for the hair salon. Mom and Shannon are dozing off while I sit listening to their breathing just wishing for sleep and wishing that things would move along. Willing my cervix to dilate so I can meet our babies.

Tuesday creeps in.

There is some progression and the decision is made to break my water. It doesn't hurt. An hour passes before the contractions catch up to me.

"Rate your pain for me."
"Five or six. This is not comfortable. I am not comfortable."
"She's more like a seven or eight."
"Aghhh. This is not comfortable!"

They offer me an epidural. I don't think I have endured enough to justify it yet. Childbirth is supposed to be hard, and this is just becoming hard. I wait.

A little while later I do want that epidural. I didn't know it would take 15 minutes for the anesthesiologist to arrive and drive it into my spine. Those were long minutes followed my a pinch, a burn and sweet relief.

Now they think I can't walk so I need a catheter. Funny thing is I can move my legs freely. Inserting the catheter hurts worse than the contractions had. I'm not numb where I need to be numb. I am getting scared. I don't want to give birth when I can feel my lady parts. I want more medicine, but they can't give it to me yet.

The external monitors are not giving the Dr all the information he needs, so the decision is made to place an internal monitor on one of the babies' heads. It hurts like the catheter did, but the discomfort is lingering. Neither sitting nor laying on my side is tolerable. Mom and Shannon are dozing off again. I'm playing some version of Scrabble on my cell phone. I'm losing game after game.

I'm getting the feeling things are not going well. The nurses keep checking me and my progress is minimal. The internal monitor is not registering and every attempt to re-position it is painful, but they don't want to remove it. When the Dr comes in to check me, I ask him and he agrees to remove it. He is now my favorite person.

It is now nearly noon. I have not slept aside from a small dozing here and there. I am exhausted. A nurse checks me and calls the Doctor to check me. I can tell he is not liking what he sees. He talks to me frankly. The babies are being squished by my contractions that are not progressing. Every step they take to try to advance the delivery seems to set it back instead. The harder I we work at it, the farther I am getting from the vaginal delivery I had envisioned. But nothing about this day is at all what I had envisioned because Tim isn't here like he should be. I am surrounded by people who love me or have my best interest at heart, but I am alone.

He is suggesting I strongly consider a c-section. I am free to continue to labor but he feels that it is not going to get better for me in my state of exhaustion or for the babies who are being subjected to a labor that is not progressing. There are 6 people in the room. All agree that the c-section is the right thing to do. I concur.

The doctor goes off to check the OR schedule. He thinks they can get me in in the early afternoon.

Moments later, the Doctor and a small crew of people come into the room.

"Now. We're going now," he says while directing people to pack up my things and get me prepped. Shannon is gathering my things onto a cart to take to my pre-selected post-partem  room. Mom is rushing around preparing to head to the OR with me. I am sending a few select texts to let those closest know I am heading in for a c-section.

I feel a strange sense of relief that I have no time to over think or dwell on the situation. Relief that I am finally about to meet the two people who will forever change my life and my role in life.

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Stay tuned for the rest of the story.

Teaser

I have been conspicuously absent the last several days.... It doesn't take many guesses to get to the bottom of the reason for my absence.

On Tuesday January 24th, I learned about a kind of love I had only dreamed about when our 2 anxious families welcomed our 2 beautiful and healthy children into the world.

It has only been 6 days, but I feel like I have loved these babies forever.

Ayla James Barber... 7lb 0oz

Anson Timothy Barber... 7lb 1oz

Anson on the left & Ayla on the right in a tribute to their incredible Daddy.

Stay tuned. A new adventure is just beginning.

Obsessing? Me?

Now that I have a firm date in my mind about when the babies will arrive, some things are happening.

I am assembling, organizing, cleaning and obsessing over things that don't need to be obsessed over. Like whether my camera is good enough to photograph them. If there is too much dust on the baseboards. Whether it is crazy to shave Kaiser so he doesn't shed near them. (Yea, he wasn't wild about that idea either....)

I am going over and over the mental list of the things to remember at the hospital. Take the baby CPR class they offer. Learn to swaddle because when I've tried, the doll I used looked like a baggy burrito. Make sure Mom gets photos of their first bath. Do you think I could teach her to run video on the camera? Probably not, she still stumbles through checking the voicemail on her blackberry. Pictures, lots of pictures. Don't forget all the tips and tricks I learned about breast feeding. Which lactation consultant was it I was supposed to avoid?

Months back, people started suggesting that I take a Lamaze class or some other kind of birth class. I couldn't. I just couldn't go there with all the other moms and dads and pretend everything was okay. I was told there are special classes for single moms and their coaches and I wanted to scream, "I'M NOT SINGLE!!!" So, here I am, 3 days from the Big Day and I have no idea how to have a baby other than what I have read in books and watched on cable. I keep assuring myself that I'll have Mom there and she knows things. And my wonderful friend Shannon will be there and she knows even more things. This should be a comfort to me, and in most moments it is.

In the other moments it isn't and I get frustrated and sad and I feel jipped because my best cheerleader and the one person who knows how to handle all of my million moods doesn't get to talk me through this. Instead, I have to do what I'm growing more accustomed to doing: I have to 'just know' what he would say and know that he is there watching and looking out for me, even if nobody can see him.

Every real-feeling contraction has me thinking this could be it and I'll be out of time to get done all the tings I need to get done. ("Need" is relative here.)

I should go clean the fridge because I don't want our kids coming into a house with old mustard in the fridge.....

Who's In There?

Today was simultaneously one of the most exciting days and of of the most difficult days since Tim passed away. We had been looking forward to this day for a very long time and talked about it often, so when the day arrived, I knew that it would be nothing like I had imagined it because my perfect husband would not be holding my hand.

I was grateful to have Brittany and my Mom with me for the ultrasound today. When we learned the babies' sexes, I cried with happiness and I cried because I miss Tim and I cried with relief that it worked out that we can use the names that Tim and I had picked out.

We are having a son, Anson Timothy, and a daughter, Ayla James.

They are beautiful and healthy. They are growing fast and their heart beats are strong. They will know all about their Daddy and they will love him almost as much as I do. They will help me to live through this unimaginable loss and they will teach me what it is to be strong.

Eenie, Meanie, Miney, Moe: Friday, June 24, 2011

Preface: The posts in this series were written in the past. I am posting them chronologically, but these events are not taking place right now, they already happened. The date in the title of each post is the date it was originally written.

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Well I suppose this is the first in a long and ongoing series of decisions I will have to make regarding the kids. (Isn't that fun to say? "The Kids"...) We're working on finding an OBGYN, a decision that I know can help mold how I feel about the whole pregnancy and birth experience.

Step 1: Figuring out that we will probably want to deliver at a hospital that is fully equipped to deal with any complications that could arise during a twin delivery. We'll want a Level 3 NICU on site just in case.

Step 2: Having a friend who just happens to be a nurse there and can recommend some excellent Doctors.

Step 3: Contacting all of their offices to insure that they take our insurance and are accepting new patients.

Step 4: Meeting with each Doctor that seems a likely match to see who will be the best fit for us.

That's going to be the most complicated step since I have a new job and no time to be using for appointments. This is the only part of being pregnant that is scary to me, because we need 2 incomes right now, but I've done enough research to know that a small business does hot have to keep you on once they know you are pregnant. And FMLA does not apply here. It is terrifying to think of trying to find a job while pregnant.

They are already quite displeased that I have a husband with Cancer and feel that I should have disclosed that in our interview. I can only imagine that "I'm pregnant! With twins!" will not be met with congratulatory hugs and anyone planning a baby shower. Just hoping for the best. (And considering pretending I'm not pregnant even when I'm as big as a house.)

Ultrasound #2: Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Preface: The posts in this series were written in the past. I am posting them chronologically, but these events are not taking place right now, they already happened. The date in the title of each post is the date it was originally written.

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I was anxious to get to see those little babies again. Waiting all day was killing me.

Tim had been feeling terrible all day - the new treatments were getting to him. I knew he not only felt like crap, but was also frustrated that they were affecting him this way.

The previous evening he had suggested that I call and invite my Mom to come along to the U/S appointment, which I knew she would love, and she accepted. She was excited to see those little grands for herself!

Tim had been fighting extreme pain and nausea all day and asked if I would be okay if he didn't come. (You KNOW he had to feel terrible to miss this, poor guy.) I assured him it was fine and promised to bring him pictures.

Mom walked through the door of the clinic with a grin from ear to ear. We waited a few short minutes until we were ushered back to see the babies.

They looked wonderful, measured perfectly for their gestation and had great similar heart beats that make this mama's heart flutter.

The nurse, who we have gotten to know pretty well during the course of this process, was excited for us, excited for my parents to be first time Grands and was entertaining us by writing "Hi, Grandma!" and "Hi, Daddy!" on the printed pictures for us to take home.

When we left, it was with mixed emotions - they had announced that Tim and I were "graduating" (meaning that we would be cared for by an OBGYN from that time on) and many of our favorite nurses, financial counselors and program coordinators came out of the woodwork to hug me. It was a happy goodbye.

Tim was so happy to see the pictures of the babies when I got home and to hear about how well they are growing. I read him some parts from our pregnancy book about their development and we basked in the glow of happiness.

The Big Reveal: Part Two: Sunday, June 19, 2011

Preface: The posts in this series were written in the past. I am posting them chronologically, but these events are not taking place right now, they already happened. The date in the title of each post is the date it was originally written.

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I have heard people say "I've waited my whole life for this day" before and I always think it's a little overly dramatic. Really? Your "whole life"? Well, when my parents and grandparents arrived for Father's Day dinner, I really had waited my whole life for that day. Tim had been giddy and excited with me all day. I'm not even sure how I managed to prep dinner. I can't remember what I fixed. 

I'd ordered the gift weeks ago and had it in the box for days. I'd wrapped it just that morning so I could keep looking at it and making sure it was just right. 

Neither Tim nor I ate well - we were just waiting for dinner to be over so we could see my Dad open his gift. 

I have to say, I loved their reactions. These are 2 people who couldn't possibly be more excited to finally be grandparents. And if their parenting is any indication, I think they'll be wonderful at it.

Click HERE to watch the video.

(If that link doesn't work, cut and paste this link into a new browser window: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-qw47vWS_s4 )

The Big Reveal: Part One: Saturday, June 18, 2011

Preface: The posts in this series were written in the past. I am posting them chronologically, but these events are not taking place right now, they already happened. The date in the title of each post is the date it was originally written.

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Some things can't be put into words, so I will just give you a little background information and let you watch the outcome for yourself. 

Having 2 families means that sometimes we are able to get the whole group together, and sometimes we have to celebrate things separately. This year, we celebrated Tim's brother Ted's birthday and Father's Day together by gathering with his family at the Olive Garden. 

Tim dutifully videotaped as his Dad (recovering from shoulder surgery) opened his very special Father's Day gift. 

I think he liked it.

Click HERE to watch the video.

(If that link doesn't work, cut and paste this link into a new browser window: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ppdh_Z9RnqU )

First Ultrasound: Monday, June 13, 2011

Preface: The posts in this series were written in the past. I am posting them chronologically, but these events are not taking place right now, they already happened. The date in the title of each post is the date it was originally written.

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We've been waiting a very long, very difficult 23 days for this day to arrive. Last week, I felt like I needed a little communication, so I took a home pregnancy test just to get a positive reading.

I met Tim at the Doctor's office. I arrived about 20 minutes early, which didn't matter as we were taken to a room about 30 minutes late. (Grrrr.) I was getting to be a stir-crazy mama waiting to get a look inside my uterus!

In the exam room, we were greeted by one of our favorite nurses who was just beaming with happiness that we were pregnant. Such a different feeling than other times we had been there and I had felt so disappointed and discouraged. I was already enjoying our visit and hadn't seen a thing yet.

Tim scooted his chair up close to me and was holding my hand, both of us a little sweaty-handed with excitement, nerves and anticipation. That first glimpse when I recognized what I was looking at, I think my heart skipped a beat. No sign of recognition from Tim. A long second passes.

I see two big, dark parches on the screen. Neither is my bladder. I have learned to pick that out right away, and that is not it. There isn't a doubt in my mind about what I am looking at. 2 gestational sacs.

"We have twins!" proclaims the nurse with a big smile. Tim squeezes my hand and says, "Yesssss!" like a kid who just got picked first for a team.

I laid there, propped up on my elbows staring at the screen surprised how in shock I am since we have always talked about having twins. She continues the exam, making sure everything is in good order.

It wasn't until she labels them "Baby A" and "Baby B" that I cried a little. For some reason that really got me (pregnant emotions, anyone??).  Both babies have great, strong heartbeats that we got to both see and hear. They measure similarly, though baby B is a tiny bit smaller. They both measure at 7 weeks, 1 day gestation.

I can't believe that they are calling me almost 2 months pregnant. That I am 2/3 of the way through the first trimester that everyone says is so difficult and I feel so good.

Before we leave, we talk to the nurses about finding an OBGYN and they give me some samples of good prenatal vitamins. We schedule another ultrasound for next Wednesday. Then we should be able to see the umbilical cord and the placenta(s). This is routine to make sure that all is going according to plan. In the meantime, I get to keep up my massive Rx schedule, but today even a bruised tummy and backside feel 200% worthwhile.

We drive home, floating on a cloud.

We now have less than a week to keep our mouths shut before we FINALLY get to surprise our families for Father's Day. Pretty sure this will be the best gift ever.

The Long Wait: Sunday, June 12, 2011

Preface: The posts in this series were written in the past. I am posting them chronologically, but these events are not taking place right now, they already happened. The date in the title of each post is the date it was originally written.

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Having been through the two week wait (Or 2WW as it is affectionately known in the infertility community) on 5 different occasions now, you would think that I've gotten pretty good at waiting. I mean, even our last 2WW before doing the blood HCG test wasn't that bad. I was calmly sure I was pregnant and not counting the minutes. (Unlike Tim who has gotten no better at waiting at all!)

Well, this wait has been 23 days of pure impatience.

After 2 measly little blood tests that have done little more than confirm that we are , indeed, pregnant, we've had to wait over 3 weeks for any more information, and confirmation that things are going well. Last week I couldn't take it any more without getting a little shout out from the baby/ies, so I pulled out a home pregnancy test that I had on hand from all of our IUIs. Tim waited outside while I slipped into the bathroom with the little stick as I've done so many times before. No sooner did I set it on the counter and begin to wash my hands and it turned positive.

I left it sitting on the counter so I could look at it all the time. That passified me for a few days, but now I am back to being excited and anxious and just squirming for some sort of contact from inside my abdomen letting me know all is well.

I really don't know how people with natural pregnancies do it having to wait until the 2nd trimester for an ultrasound. I'm not sure how I'm going to make it until tomorrow! Tim and I are both so excited to find out more information about the baby/ies and to make sure he/she/they is/are comfortable in there. So far I feel lucky that I have felt so well, but any symptom seems like a little message saying "hey, Mom, I'm all good in here, thanks!"

Once tomorrow has passed, there will be several more days to wait before we have a chance to tell our families this weekend. All this waiting is so not my cup of tea!

Another Day, Another Test....: Thursday, May 26, 2011

Preface: The posts in this series were written in the past. I am posting them chronologically, but these events are not taking place right now, they already happened. The date in the title of each post is the date it was originally written.

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Went in for my second blood test this morning. Again, there was no real reason for Tim to go, so I just stopped there on my way to work.

I needed some of my many prescriptions refilled. I am to maintain my current medications until 8 weeks into the pregnancy, then there are a few that I will maintain through the entire first trimester, and a couple even beyond that. I was really hoping they would eliminate at least one of my injectables. I'm tender and sore and bruised. No such luck, but for the little guy(s) in my tummy, I'd do anything.

We agreed that I should answer when they called and then phone Tim with the results.

My hCG levels came back at 916. That is wonderful. The indicator of a healthy pregnancy are levels that double every 48 hours. Mine a little more than doubled. That's good news.

I googled about hCG levels (resisting google is futile!) and found there is not necessarily a correlation between the actual numbers and the chances of twins. Apparently there are only 2 sure ways to know. Ultrasound or birth.

Now we have a very long, very difficult 19 (?) days to wait until the next test, which will be our first ultrasound. That ultrasound will determine if there are 1 or 2 babies hanging out in there and if he/she/they is/are developing normally so far.

In the meantime, we are formulating a plan for telling our families on Father's Day weekend and I'm planning to order the items we will need for the "big reveal" tonight. Man, I hate keeping secrets.

Test Day: Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Preface: The posts in this series were written in the past. I am posting them chronologically, but these events are not taking place right now, they already happened. The date in the title of each post is the date it was originally written.

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Appointment at the Doctor's office at 7:30. That means getting up super early. I set the alarm.

As I'm getting ready Kaiser is being a pain. I have left the back door ajar for him so he has free access to the yard and can entertain himself. I keep checking on him. He's playing with his frisbee. (Best 99 cents I have ever spent.)  A while later he appears to be chasing the air. Later he is patrolling the yard. Later I look out again. He is galloping through the yard with a rope in his mouth. I go outside. It is not a rope, it is a length of cable. I don't see any places he has dug, so I write it off and bring him in the house.

I finish getting ready and get out the door.

No need for Tim to be at the appointment. This is a boring appointment. Nothing exciting - just a blood draw. A blood draw that I will inevitably think about all day.

I ask the nurse to please call me as late in the day as possible and leave the results including my HCG numbers on my voicemail. I know whatever the result, there will be tears and I don't want to find out at work. I want to be with Tim.

I make it to the office 45 minutes ahead of my scheduled start time. I don't let myself get loose on google punching in anything about the HCG test. I just check email, catch up on Facebook and read the news. That woman Casey Anthony's trial is starting today. She makes me sick. I would have taken that beautiful little girl off her hands. 

Work, work, work... meet a friend for lunch and have good conversation to keep me distracted. Also have a great Mexican chicken dish. Back to the office. Busy afternoon - deadlines looming - I forget about it for the most part. Except Tim is texting me here and there about it. He is more nervous than I am. I'm not nervous. What's done is done. Nothing at this point can change the result of this test. There was no additional studying I could have done in that waiting room to assure a higher score. I feel good about it.

Late in the afternoon, I see the Doctor's office calling. I don't answer. 

Tim has a contractor at the house he is meeting with so we don't get to chat on the phone on my way home like we do most days. I call a girl friend instead so I'm not tempted to check the message. We chat all the way home.

When I get home, Tim is rushing around and talking on the phone. The cable wasn't "nothing", it went to our air conditioner unit. It's 89 degrees in the bedroom. He's got to get it up and running ASAP, so we wait to listen to the message.

As soon as he gets to a stopping point, he rushes to the kitchen. We dial it up. It sounds like she is talking in slow motion. I hear her say "definitely positive" and then I tune out because I'm too busy hugging Tim and jumping and crying and making excited noises. We have to re-listen to the message to get the numbers. HCG at 423. According to the internet, that's high. They have me scheduled for another test Thursday. 

Tim had to run to Home Depot to buy supplies to fix the A/C and he kissed me goodbye. And kissed my belly. Twice. (Now who's superstitious?) 

The hardest part was when my parents came by with my Dad's cousin an hour later and we had to act like everything was normal. I'm so excited to tell them. They will be as happy as we are. 

Being cautiously optimistic, but truly ecstatic. I wonder if I will sleep tonight.

The Man's Perspective

This article was shared with me by my sister-in-law. It is interesting to hear the man's perspective on IVF. The situation of this couple is a little different that ours, but the emotions are much the same. Enjoy the break from our monotonous story and read a little of theirs:

http://www.themorningnews.org/article/the-age-of-mechanical-reproduction


(Link provided after learning that the good old cut-and-paste thing didn't work particularly well with that article. It really is a good read.)

Couch Potato: Saturday, May 14, 2011

Preface: The posts in this series were written in the past. I am posting them chronologically, but these events are not taking place right now, they already happened. The date in the title of each post is the date it was originally written.

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Here I am on the couch. Still. I'm not a "hang out on the couch" kind of girl at all,  so this couch rest is making me a little nuts.

My big thrill today was realizing that Netflix Streaming actually has 170 episodes of Law & Order. I could probably watch them all back to back. Instead I have been watching documentary after documentary. And one cry-fest chick flick.

Mars is one of the lesser-known furry family members. He is a friendly white cat that I adopted about 10 years ago after he had been caught in the fan belt of a co-worker's husband's truck as a kitten.  Before I ever had a dog, people would tell me that Mars acted like a dog. Well, Mars has been unable to leave me alone since we got home from the surgical center.  He's been laying on my tummy if I'm on my back and snuggling my tummy if I'm on my side. I think he is trying to act as an incubator.

I do hope this lounging about helps these little embryos implant, but, man, I hope I never end up on bed rest. Sitting still is so not my style.

Friday the 13th: Friday, May 13, 2011

Preface: The posts in this series were written in the past. I am posting them chronologically, but these events are not taking place right now, they already happened. The date in the title of each post is the date it was originally written.

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I was born on October 13th. It was a Saturday, but a few of my favorite birthdays have been on Fridays the 13th. My "Golden" birthday #13 and also good old #21.

So when I had the choice of the date of our implantation and I picked a Friday (less time to miss work), the Nurse asked if we are superstitious. Definitely not.

Friday morning I got some Cake Bites orders ready and checked email (with my lucky black cat sitting on my lap). Check in for the implantation was at 11:15 and I was instructed to have a full bladder, so as we sat in the waiting room, I was drinking a ton of water.

We were led back into the "Surgical Lounge", which although it sounds like it might be hip with martinis and low music, is quite the opposite. Tim and I both changed into our scrubs and waited nervously for the Doctor to show his face while the Nurse went through all the instructions and had us sign 30 forms. The process was oh, so familiar.

All the other waiting couples had been led away, returned, allowed to use the bathroom (Oh, I was jealous!), changed and had gone home. We were the last people in the Surgical Lounge.....

Finally, the Doc came in and headed toward us to tell us how the thaw had gone and how my levels were looking. My body was finally primed and ready to go. Our 2 little embryos had survived without any downgrade in quality. That is pretty wonderful and unusual. He explained that with such high quality embryos, we had a 72% pregnancy rate and a 2/3 chance of twins. We assured him repeatedly that we were thrilled with these odds, and he left to make final preparations.

Moments later we walked down the hall and into the Operating Room. Tim was able to sit by me and hold my hand while the team of 2 Doctors and 4 helpers implanted our 2 perfect embryos into me. We saw it all on a screen, and I have to say, it was great to hear the Doctor mutter "bullseye!" when they both landed on the "sweet spot" in my uterus.

Let the couch rest and the waiting begin.

What's Up, Doc?: Sunday, March 27, 2011

Preface: The posts in this series were written in the past. I am posting them chronologically, but these events are not taking place right now, they already happened. The date in the title of each post is the date it was originally written.

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Today we got in the car and I drove us to the Surgical Center for the implantation.

We waited, were called back and I went into the bathroom to change into my surgical outfit. Tim put on his over his clothes. We sat there holding hands and being quiet. We eavesdropped on other couples in neighboring "rooms" from whom we were separated only by curtains. I prayed hard for the couple next to us. Two teachers implanting their last embryo.

We took our feet picture and waited some more.

Finally, the Doctor came in. This time he was heading for us. I squeezed Tim's hand.


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This is the part where I wish I could tell you that everything was perfect. That the embryos look good and that my blood tests showed that I was in prime condition to accept those little embryos into my body. But that's not what happened.

Instead we were sent home. My body progressed too quickly after the harvesting of the eggs and I was now almost 72 hours "too far along" to make it a viable transfer. He recommended doing a "freeze all" which is exactly what it sounds like.

I have mixed emotions.

On one hand, I feel that my body was focused on making eggs this cycle and did not have the left over energy to prepare a place for those little embryos, so this will be better. I can focus on preparing their home and making it perfect for them.

On the other hand, I am so sad that we will now have to wait 2 cycles. One month of birth control pills to prep and another of all those miserable drugs all over again. More bloat, more bruising, more pumping myself full of a dozen different drugs. Time's a wastin'.

I deleted that feet picture from my camera. It makes me sad.

Looking Good: Friday, March 25, 2011

Preface: The posts in this series were written in the past. I am posting them chronologically, but these events are not taking place right now, they already happened. The date in the title of each post is the date it was originally written.

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I've decided not to share numbers when it comes to how many eggs were retrieved and how many embryos we have growing. Maybe this is silly, but I know that there are a lot of people who have moral and religious issues with IVF. I was personally quite surprised to learn that some very big churches are quite against IVF all together. I respect people's right to feel how they choose about IVF, but I do not want to feel like I have to justify the already difficult process that we have been through.

I know that we feel fine about it. I know that we have made the right choices for us. I know that our families and friends support us.

That said, we are very pleased with the results of the egg retrieval. My eggs were high quality (maybe all that bee pollen and royal jelly really did some magic!). Tim's sperm did their job. We have a sufficient number of embryos to try more then once if necessary. Best of all, one of our embryos is rated "very good". That is the best rating available, and the Doctor said that they only have 4 per year at their clinic. Pretty impressive, huh? Already a little over-achiever!

It is a relief to have this part of the process done. They will watch our little embryos and we will return in a few days to have them put inside my uterus.

This is a surreal wait.

How Would You Like Your Eggs?: Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Preface: The posts in this series were written in the past. I am posting them chronologically, but these events are not taking place right now, they already happened. The date in the title of each post is the date it was originally written.

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At 6:00 this morning when we went in for the egg retrieval I was scared, but I didn't cry. 

I changed into my very fashion-forward outfit, kissed my husband goodbye and walked into the OR on my own two feet. 

I remember asking the anesthesiologist to scratch my nose because I told her it itched really bad. I remember it being very cold in there. I remember them hiking my "skirt" up, and I remember the nurse asking the anesthesiologist if what people visualize while they are going under on Propofol is what they "dream" about while they are asleep. The consensus was no. I still visualized babies. They were cute.

The next thing I remembered, I was in the recovery area, Tim was there and my nurse was there. The nurse told me that while I was first waking up, she asked my what I dreamed about and I said "I was in Italy". Funny because when I was actually in Italy, I dreamed of babies. A round about way to get there, I suppose. 

By the time we left, I knew that the fluid that was in my endometrium had been removed by the Vitamin E that I had taken 2 days prior. I knew the number of eggs that had been retrieved. I knew my husband was going to jab me with a needle tonight and I knew I still wanted the bacon cheeseburger I had talked about on the way to our early morning appointment. 

Most of the morning was slept away. Most of the day was lazy. There is very little discomfort - only enough to warrant a Tylenol. I am not nauseous. As evening approaches, I am anxious to get the call from the lab tomorrow to tell me about my egg quality and how they liked being injected with Tim's sperm. 

This morning while I was sleeping, there were people in a lab growing me babies and that makes me smile. 

Shot Free Day: Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Preface: The posts in this series were written in the past. I am posting them chronologically, but these events are not taking place right now, they already happened. The date in the title of each post is the date it was originally written.

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I don't have to go to the Dr's office today for blood work or an ultrasound. I also don't have any shots to do tonight. I must admit, it's kind of a weird feeling.

Last night, I did a final "push" (an exceptionally large dose of one of my meds) and took the "trigger shot". That is the shot that will cause my body to ovulate so that the Dr can capture my eggs.

The egg capture is scheduled for the morning. We check in at 6am. I am supposed to show up "all natural" with no make-up, deodorant or scented anything on. At 6:45, the surgery is scheduled to begin. It is expected to take 2 1/2 hours, during which time I will be under twilight sedation. They say I won't remember anything. There will be 6+ people in the operating room. Sadly, Tim won't be one of them.

Before we leave, he will be taught how to give me the next injectable mediation I'll be on. It will be a daily shot in the butt. I hear it makes your backside feel like a sock full of marbles. I'm really looking forward to that.

Before we leave, they will tell us how many eggs they were able to capture. It will be a day or 2 before we hear about egg quality or how many have accepted the sperm and begun to multiply.

I think that we will also know about transfer before we leave. Yesterday during my ultrasound there was a small amount of fluid in my endometrium. The trusty internet has this to say about it: "Fluid within the endometrial cavity before embryo transfer in IVF cycles is associated with failure of implantation. The etiology of endometrial fluid is surrounded in controversy but it is associated with hydrosalpinges, polycystic ovarian disease, and subclinical uterine infections. The current treatment consists of postponing embryo transfer. This of course has biological and psychological disadvantages; a decreased implantation rate from frozen embryo transfer, and frustration and disappointment for the couple. Removing the fluid with an embryo transfer catheter immediately before embryo transfer may be a successful method of treatment."

I was advised to take 800 units of Vitamin E to try to get rid of it. When the Dr. is doing the egg capture he will decide if my uterus is able to accept a (a what? baby? cell cluster? fetus? zygote? what??) 4 days later. If not, the embryos will be frozen to be used at a later date.

Tim's nothing but excited. I am also excited, but a little nervous since I've never had a surgery before. We are both anxious to have the pregnancy underway and are enjoying talking about how excited everyone will be.