I Just Called To Say I Love You

Missing Tim a lot today.

I got talked into doing a memorial thing at my parent's church and lighting a candle in his memory on Sunday. It didn't feel like something that Tim would want, but I appreciated being asked, and I obliged. It made me cry a lot.

I keep thinking about all the little things that I miss. Like calling him on my way home from everywhere so we could talk the whole way home and then him opening the door so Kaiser could greet me. I miss Tim offering to run to the store for me any time I ran out of something while cooking. I miss snuggling up with him on the couch to watch movies I didn't know I had any desire to see and I find myself sitting in "his place" to be closer to him. I miss getting little texts and voice mails "just to tell you that I love you and I'm thing of you".

After the church thing, I went with my parents to have brunch at the retirement community where my grandparents live. I remember the last time Tim and I had our monthly dinner with Grandpa & Grandma, a couple came into the dining room with their new baby and everyone was fussing over it. At the time we knew we were pregnant, but nobody else knew. We had no idea it was twins. Walking back to the car, Tim was all excited talking about what a huge fuss people would make when we had our babies because there would be 2 of them. Oh, to be back in that moment with him.

I think about dancing around the living room and not having any idea it would be our last dance. There are so many "lasts" that I didn't know would be our last - a blessing and a curse. I miss going to the dog park together and discussing "parenting" Kaiser and how it relates to how we would parent the babies. I miss planning our future together. I miss my partner in everything.