Thankful 2011

Every year since I've been online, I have posted my thanks at Thanksgiving. Being grateful and expressing thanks is something that I believe strongly in and that I hope to instill in our children. All too often we tend to take things for granted and I think it is important to slow down and really think about how blessed we are.

This year I have watched a lot of people post something they are thankful for each day for the month of November.

Thankfulness has been really difficult for me this year for the first time in my life. Instead of being grateful, I just want to cry and scream "Fu*k you, cancer - give me my husband back!!!!" Yes, I can still smile. I have even genuinely laughed a few times, but life is less enjoyable, less colorful, less vibrant and seems less worthwhile without him. I lack motivation, focus, purpose, joy or even contentment.

From the day we met, I loved being "Tim & Autumn" and I may never adjust to being "just Autumn".

All that being said, I have thought long and hard about things I am thankful for. There are still many - some very bitter sweet, some too personal to share - and I will share only a few. This year I am thankful:

- That I have the greatest husband I've ever met and that he is the father of our babies, who I know will be better because he is a part of them. For every kiss, every long talk, every hope and dream we shared, every night falling asleep holding hands. Even knowing the heartache I am experiencing now, I would not trade a single day with Tim. He remains always and forever the love of my life.

- For my family, Tim's family and our incredible friends who have been like a net there to catch me when I fall. I know they would say it's "just what we do", but the list of people who have gone above and beyond in their support is long, and I am grateful.

- For the Department - Tim's brothers (and sisters) in blue who have held our family with the greatest love, care, honor and kindness. I know that they miss Tim every day like we do, and I know that they will make sure that we are always members of the Tempe family.

- That the babies and I will get to stay in the house Tim & I wanted to raise them in and that I know he is here with me every day sitting beside me and guiding me. For all the happy memories in the house and that I don't have to leave them behind.

- For a healthy pregnancy, the joy of feeling our babies moving around inside me, and the excitement I feel to meet them and kiss their sweet faces. This is not how I imagined pregnancy would be - I imagined Tim and I laying in bed together watching my tummy shift - but I know Anson & Ayla's well-being has forced me to deal with losing Tim in a healthy way.

- For Tim's medical team. Although this did not turn out the way we expected or hoped, I know his Drs fought for him, respected him and cared for him. Their staffs were our friends we saw every day who did so much for Tim, me and our family. The nursing staff of Scottsdale Shea C-3 are angels who helped him fight and when it was time, helped him rest. I am forever grateful.

- For the community that I know and those I don't know who have helped me in so many ways - their words of comfort, prayers, donations and assistance are what has gotten me through this far. I have a long road ahead, but I think of how blessed we have been every day.