All I Want For Christmas

I've never been much into presents and that whole side of Christmas. I much more enjoy getting together with family and friends and preparing a big, glorious meal to piling un-needed gifts into the car and going home at the end of the day. I like the decorating part. All the old, symbolic ornaments telling the story of my life as I hang them on the tree. I don't like cheesy Christmas music, but I love Silent Night and I love Mannheim Steamroller.

My ornaments start the year I was born - my mom gave me all my ornaments that she collected and documented over the years, so there's everything from "baby's first Christmas" to a picture from Tim's and my wedding somehow painted onto porcelain. Tim's ornaments are different. Mostly the round ball kind from Target. Maybe just a sign of being a guy, maybe a sign of starting over one too many times and leaving things behind. Last year his mom gave us a special ornament from his childhood. A little handmade ice skate with a paperclip as the blade - from when Tim played ice hockey as a kid. I looked forward to it having a prominent place on our tree this year. Looked forward to continuing to add a special new ornament every year transforming the tree into yet another symbol of our beautiful life together.

I just can't do it. Can't get the tree down, can't open up all the little boxes and hang up all the pretty ornaments. Can't know that I'm wiping off Tim's fingerprints as I touch every decoration. Can't look at the sparkling lights and remember how happy we were last year - how Tim and Brittany and I laughed so hard we cried while we decorated. The contrast is too much for me to handle. God, we were so nieve. I was anyway. I thought we had lots of time. I want to be back in that moment so badly.

My Dad helped me put up some lights on the outside of the house. The ultimate symbolism for how I feel this season: keeping up appearances on the outside as to make everyone else comfortable, but shattered and devastated on the inside. I put some pine cones in a bowl on the table and threw some red pillows on the couch. That's all I can manage.

I'm trying to fill the emptiness by helping my ladies volunteer group collect gifts for a family we have adopted. By sending police themed lego sets to the children's hospital. It's probably good that I'm pregnant or I would probably be drinking a lot in a feeble attempt to drown my sadness. Not the healthiest coping mechanism.

As for Christmas music, you can try to avoid it. You can never turn to that station that plays all Christmas tunes all the time all season (since when? Halloween?). The thing is that all stations will sneak one in from time to time. And every store is piping them in overhead. I've been trying to tune them out even more than I usually do because there are some you expect to hurt like the Christmas Shoes one, but even the cutesy ones hurt so much. I've been reduced to sobs twice by "All I Want For Christmas Is You".

I feel like Scrooge, but I just want this holiday season to be over. I just want Christmas to pass so I can hold my little babies in my arms and be strong for them.