Off The Radar

Recently I had a revelation. I don't like Facebook. Maybe this is a temporary feeling, maybe it isn't. Time will tell.

I have been on it for years, since back when nobody aside from college kids had heard of it. Of course now it is so commonplace that most people have an account. And that is reflected in the fact that I have (or had) over 450 "friends".

On several occasions, I tried to pare down my list of friends, but it was difficult for me to virtually erase people from my life because I do actually know all these people. Friends from grade school, distant family, business associates, former classmates, friends from the prostate cancer community, fellow widows,  friends and old classmates of Tim's, people within my social circle.... I felt bad deleting them.

Facebook takes too much time. For it to be an enjoyable experience in which you are participating, you need to interact with people - post things, respond to the posts of others, keep your photos up to date, etc. That was time that I would rather be spending with my "real" friends - the ones who will take the time to call, text or email ME, just me, just to see how I am. That time is better spent with A&A, laughing or going on a walk. Reading up on something I would like to know more about. Pretty much anything.

At some point I realized that by being on Facebook, I was causing myself to feel as though I was living in a fishbowl. People could see what was going on in my life at will, and I didn't even know they were watching. And by looking in on the lives of all these "friends" I started to feel like a voyeur. I had so much information floating around in my head about people with whom I had not spoken in earnest in years. Sometimes decades. It just didn't feel right anymore.

There were times I felt envious of other people's vacations or the simplicity of what I viewed as their "freedoms". Times I felt excluded when an event I had attended was talked about and my attendance wasn't mentioned. Rarely were the times when I felt that my time on FB was well spent or that I walked away feeling better than I arrived.

Standing in a line or waiting in a waiting room, instead of striking up a pleasant conversation with a stranger and having a face to face conversation where I could learn something interesting, I would pull out my phone and look at Facebook. It feels silly now when I say it.... an embarrassment, really.

In the last month of Facebook free living, I have gotten more phone calls from my "real" friends than I have in the previous 6 months combined. I have emailed people, even sent and received actual mail.

Since leaving, several people who have actually noticed my absence have asked me about it. The assumption seems to be that because I have chosen to disconnect, something must be wrong. To that I reply that it is just the opposite. I am both content and happy. My children and I are blessedly healthy. I have a wonderful man in my life who loves me. I get to spend time with his kids doing fun things. And now more of my time can be dedicated to them, and not divided among my 450+ "friends".

It feels good to be free and anonymous.